I am sure you are busy making Christmas the best you can, and Christmas can be challenging. Sometimes, it is full of upsets, ruptures and deep connections. This free meditation is about helping children to feel loved. I am sure you think, but my children know they are loved.
However, this is not the case; how do you know your children feel loved unconditionally?
When I ask parents this question in my practice, parents add
“Of course, my children know that!”
They think that even when they shout or are harsh to their kids, the child would still feel loved overall—no matter what they do.
But the reality is that children do not have the concept of unconditional love. This is something that takes time to experience and bring awareness.
What is Conditional and Unconditional Love
Unconditional love is when parents accept and show affection to their children, even when they make mistakes or fall short of expectations. In other words, it is a form of love with no strings attached. Therefore, parents love their children for who they are, no matter what.
In contrast, conditional parenting teaches children that they must earn their parents’ love. Therefore, children must fulfil their parents’ expectations to receive affection and approval. As a result, such children tend to exhibit anxiety and question whether they are worthy of love, even when they reach adulthood.
But I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad. It’s not your fault. NONE of us was taught positive parenting skills. Not from our parents, not from school, and certainly not from society. We live in a society where the belief in doing seems more critical than an individual’s being. However, you can make simple changes:
Externalise them from the problem or behaviour
You do this by telling them that you are never angry at them—you are angry at what they did. You are externalising their behaviour from them. Externalising is a technique that arose from Narrative Therapy.
Michael White and David Epston developed narrative therapy.
What does externalising mean?
Instead of saying the child is naughty, therefore telling the child they are bad or flawed, you separate the behaviour from them.
You can call this naughtiness anything you like; your children will often speak this. They might say:
- The naughty monster!
- Mr naughty!
- The fizzy
Why will Externalising help in your parenting?
We can tell our children they are naughty in anger or frustration. If we say this repeatedly, it often leads to our children feeling bad inside and developing low self-esteem in the longer term. When you externalise, the behaviour is naughty, not the child. You can then meet the behaviour without attacking the child. And you can have the child on your side in the battle, and everyone will feel a better sense of harmony. More here https://bristolchildparentsupport.co.uk/externalising-the-problem/
Compassion, Meditation, and Unconditional Love
In addition to externalising the problem, we can tap into our compassionate hearts. Compassion is an essential ingredient for unconditional love. Specifically, meditation has been shown to increase our capacity for feeling compassion and love, especially loving kindness meditations. However, you can use this simple meditation below. Alternatively, try to stay with this thought in difficult moments.
What does Love want now
Don’t forget the importance of teaching your children how to breathe.
Often, children grow up without knowing how to deal with strong and intense emotions. Working in CAMHS, I recognise this can lead to catastrophic outcomes. You can teach your children how to breathe through strong feelings from a young age, so they will learn that they will pass. During bedtime, I explain how to breathe through the belly in the meditation below. Do it with them, and don’t be afraid to hold their hand; it will also benefit you. Connecting our mind with our body brings us peace and makes us feel at home in our hearts. So, if there has been a disconnection during the Christmas Season (which is normal!), you can use this time to come together and tell them no what they do; you still love them.
Meditation, You are so very loved
Most of all, I wish you light through Christmas and New Year. Thank you to all of you who have read my blogs, liked my Facebook posts, attended my workshops and are my clients. My work is nothing without all of you, and I am truly grateful.
I will offer this meditation as a free script download in January if you want to sign up for my newsletter.
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From my heart to yours, wishing you a safe passage from 2022; I hope you find the key to open the door where every possibility awaits in 2023; If you want to transform your connection with your child in 2023 or start to have a good nights sleep, Contact me for a Consultation. with love Catherine.
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