Externalising is a simple but powerful technique that many family therapists, myself included, use regularly with children and families. It comes from narrative therapy, developed by Michael White and David Epston, an approach built on the idea that people already have the skills and expertise to guide change in their own lives. One of its central ideas is separating the person from the problem, which allows families to address difficult behaviour with far more compassion and far less shame.
What externalising actually means
Instead of telling a child they are naughty, or that something is wrong with them, you name the behaviour itself as a separate thing that happens to them. Children often take to this naturally and come up with their own name for it. I have heard children call it the naughty monster, Mr Naughty, the fizzy feeling, or simply give it a made up name of their own. Whatever name your child chooses, the shift is the same: your child is not the problem, the behaviour is.
Names you could use for externalising
A shouty child might name it Shouty Louty, and it works for parents too. If you notice your own patience wearing thin more than usual, you might privately name that the Grumpy, and catch yourself saying “the Grumpy is getting the better of me today” rather than “I am a bad parent for losing my temper.” Externalising is not just something we do to children. It softens the way we speak to ourselves too, and children notice when we model that same compassion towards our own struggles.
This works particularly well with anxiety too. Giving a child’s worry a name, like the Worry Wobbler, or whatever they come up with themselves, creates a little distance between your child and the feeling. It becomes something they have, not something they are, and that distance alone gives them more power over it. If you would like a fuller guide to talking with your child about anxiety, you can read Talking Helps: Explaining Anxiety to Children.
Why externalising helps
When children hear repeatedly, even in moments of understandable frustration, that they are naughty or bad, it tends to settle inside them over time and can chip away at their self esteem. Externalising interrupts that. When the behaviour becomes the separate thing you are both working against, rather than something that defines your child, it opens up far more understanding and far less shame, for both of you.
It also gives your child back a sense of control. Children who are struggling often feel swept along by their own behaviour, as though it is simply happening to them. Two messages help enormously here: that you believe together you can manage the behaviour, and that you love them completely, it is only the behaviour you do not like.
How to use externalising at home
Talk with your child about what life will look like once “the behaviour” has been defeated, using its chosen name. Children’s imaginations are a real asset here, let them picture what things could be like without it.
Keep a simple chart or diary together, tracking the moments when the behaviour wins and gets its way, and just as importantly, the moments when it does not. Focus your attention and your praise on the wins, however small. Every moment your child manages the behaviour is worth noticing and naming.
This works even better as a whole family approach, and if your child’s school is willing to join in using the same language, it tends to help there too.
If you need more support
Externalising is a genuinely useful tool, but some behaviours need more than a change in language to shift. If you are finding it hard to manage on your own, that is not a failure, it often just means the behaviour needs a bit more understanding underneath it.
Interested in working with me?
If you would like more tailored support for your child or family, I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, therapeutic parenting support for parents, and training and consultation for professionals working with children and families. Please do get in touch if you would like to find out more.
You can reach me via my contact page.
Free resources
Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.
Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.
When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.
All free to download.
Related reading
Praise and Encouragement: How to Use It Effectively
Is Your Child Emotionally Dysregulated?
Why Talking to Children in Hot Moments Does Not Help
When Tempers Flare: Understanding Your Child’s Aggression
Anger, Meltdowns and Tantrums: Navigating Emotional Storms
Talking Helps: Explaining Anxiety to Children
References
White, M. and Epston, D. (1990) Narrative Means to Therapeutic Ends. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
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With warmth,
Catherine
