I totally understand how challenging it can be when children question our authority, push back, refuse, or simply do the opposite of what we ask. It is a common theme in my practice and one of the areas I feel most passionate about.
Finding the right balance in discipline can feel like a rollercoaster, particularly when it is constant. But here is something worth holding onto from the start: children questioning authority as they grow and assert their independence is completely normal. Our goal is not to stop that. It is to guide them in a direction that works for everyone, without resorting to approaches that harm their self esteem or their relationship with us.
The good news is that there is strong evidence for approaches to discipline that focus on teaching, connection, clear boundaries and respectful responses rather than harsh or punitive methods. These approaches can support children’s behaviour, emotional development and relationships with their parents.
Positive discipline versus punishment
These two terms are sometimes used interchangeably, but they describe different approaches to responding to children’s behaviour.
Positive discipline focuses on teaching and guiding children through respectful communication, clear expectations, and consistent boundaries. It emphasises understanding the reasons behind behaviour and finding constructive ways to address it. It aims to build a relationship based on trust, empathy, and mutual respect. Connection always comes before correction.
Punishment is a more traditional approach that uses negative consequences to deter unwanted behaviour. It often involves immediate penalties, withdrawal of privileges, and little explanation or dialogue. While it may stop behaviour in the short term, it does not teach children how to make better choices or to learn to self -regulate. And when it relies on fear, shame, or humiliation, it can harm.
What punishment can do to the developing brain
Thanks to advances in brain research we now understand far more about how different parenting approaches affect a child’s developing brain.
When children experience punishment, particularly harsh or frequent punishment, it triggers a stress response. The threat detection part of the brain, the amygdala, activates. Under intense stress, the brain’s capacity for reflection, flexible thinking and self-regulation can become significantly reduced
In that state a child cannot reflect, cannot learn, and cannot take in what you are trying to teach them. They can only feel unsafe.
When punishment is a regular feature of family life, children can develop a habitually overactive stress response. They become reactive, impulsive, and harder to reach. Not because they are bad children but because their nervous system has been shaped by an environment where punishment is the primary tool of control.
None of this means you have to be perfect. It means understanding what punishment does, so you can reach for something more effective instead.
If you want to understand more about what is happening in your child’s nervous system when things escalate, and what actually helps in those moments, my free guides are a good place to start.
Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain
Both are free to download.
Why parenting brings up big feelings in us
Parenting is a deeply emotional journey. We feel love, joy, and connection, but also stress, fear, resentment, and sometimes shame. That is completely human.
Many of us were raised with disciplinary approaches that we now understand to be ineffective or sometimes harmful. Smacking, shaming, harsh consequences. And yet, under pressure, those old patterns can emerge. Not because we are bad parents, but because our own nervous systems were shaped by our experiences.
So many parents come to me not because they are bad parents but because they never had the models. They were not shown how to stay calm under pressure, how to repair after a rupture, how to hold a boundary with warmth rather than anger. They are parenting from what they know, and what they know came from their own childhood, their culture, their experiences of being parented. That is not a failure. It is a starting point.
Patterns pass down through generations
The research is clear that parenting patterns pass down through generations, not because parents intend to repeat what was done to them, but because those patterns live in the nervous system rather than in conscious choice. Becoming aware of that is genuinely transformative. And with the right support, change is absolutely possible.
Reactive parenting
When we are in survival mode, punishment can feel like the only tool available. It is fast, it stops the behaviour in the moment, but is it effective in the longer term. But it is worth asking what it is actually teaching.
Daniel Hughes, a clinical psychologist whose work has been deeply influential in my practice, and whose training I had the privilege of attending, a long time ago. He describes this clearly alongside Jonathan Baylin in their book Brain Based Parenting. They identify what they call reactive parenting, the ways our own conditioning can show up in how we respond to our children. It can look like:
- Getting pulled into power struggles, viewing the situation as you versus me rather than seeking understanding.
- Taking behaviour personally and responding defensively rather than with curiosity.
- Misreading the context of an interaction because our own history clouds our judgement.
- Operating in survival mode, where stress keeps us on edge and makes it genuinely hard to respond calmly.
Recognising these patterns is not about blame. It does not define who you are as a parent. But awareness is where change begins. And sometimes we need support to get there.
Why parenting work matters so much
This is one of the reasons I find parenting work so meaningful. When a parent begins to understand their own conditioning and finds a different way to respond, the ripple effect through the family is profound.
Moving away from punishment: what actually helps
Be a detective about the behaviour
Most behaviour makes sense when you understand what is driving it. Take a typical difficult morning. The rushing, the repeated requests, the child who seems to be stalling or getting upset. Frustrating, yes. But what if the root cause is simply that they need a few minutes of play before the day begins?
Sitting down with your child and genuinely trying to understand what is going on opens a conversation that power and pressure closes. Once you find the root cause, you can problem solve together. And problem solving with a child, even a young one, builds something important. They feel heard. And they are more likely to cooperate.
Encouragement over praise
How we use words matters more than most parents realise. Praise focuses on the outcome. Encouragement focuses on the effort, the growth, the specific skill being shown. That distinction shapes how a child understands themselves.
- Instead of good job, try I noticed how hard you worked on that.
- Instead of you are so clever, try I can see how you worked that out step by step.
Encouragement builds a growth mindset. It helps children develop internal motivation rather than relying on external validation. And it is more honest.
Consistency
Consistency removes the need for punishment. When children know what to expect and know it will be held, they test less. The boundary does the work so the punishment does not have to.
Consistency is one of the most important things you can offer a child and one of the hardest to maintain. I think of it like baking a cake. You can have the best ingredients and the right recipe, but if you take the cake out of the oven too early, it does not work. Discipline is the same. The follow through matters as much as the rule itself.
Consistent discipline also requires both parents to be on the same page. Mixed messages and shifting rules create confusion and, over time, defiance. When children know what to expect, and know it will be held consistently, they feel safer even when they push against it.
Emotion coaching
Children who can recognise, name, and manage their emotions have better relationships, better social skills, and better outcomes across almost every measure. Emotion coaching developed by Jon Gottman is the process of helping children develop that capacity, through empathy, labelling feelings, and staying connected even when things are hard.
I have written about this in depth in one of my most popular blogs. You can read it here.
Family meetings
One of my favourite parenting tools, and one I have developed my own way of using through systemic family therapy training and clinical practice, rather than following any single published model. A regular space where everyone in the family has a voice, problems are solved together, and children experience being genuinely heard rather than managed. You can read more about how to run one here.
Interested in working with me?
Parenting is one of the areas I feel most passionate about. If you are finding things hard, feeling stuck in patterns that are not working, or simply wanting to understand your child better and respond more confidently, I would love to hear from you.
I offer one to one therapeutic parenting support and consultations, drawing on over thirty years of clinical experience. We can think together about what is driving the difficulty and find approaches that work for your unique family.
You can get in touch via my contact page.
Related reading
Authoritative Parenting: The Most Effective Parenting Style explores the research behind the most effective approach to parenting and what it looks like in practice.
Is Your Child Emotionally Dysregulated? goes deeper into the neuroscience of emotional regulation and what shapes a child’s capacity to manage their feelings.
Emotion Coaching: The Power of Connection is one of my most read blogs and a practical guide to one of the most powerful tools a parent can use.
Emotional Regulation vs Executive Functioning in Children explores how emotional regulation and executive functioning work together, and what helps build both.
Family Meetings for a Calmer Summer on how to give children a genuine voice in the family.
And if you would like occasional guidance and support straight to your inbox, you are very welcome to join my newsletter.
With warmth,
Catherine
References:
My practice is grounded in mental health nursing, psychotherapy and systemic family therapy, alongside more than thirty years of clinical experience working with children, young people and families. I am also a trainer in the Incredible Years programme and the Solihull Approach. This piece brings together ideas from several evidence-informed approaches that have influenced and shaped my practice:
Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, whose work on encouragement, social interest, and family cooperation underpins much of modern positive parenting practice, including Positive Discipline.
Nelsen, J. (2006). Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills (Rev. and expanded ed.). Ballantine Books.
John Gottman, whose research on emotion coaching has shaped how many practitioners, myself included, support children’s emotional development.
Daniel Hughes and Jonathan Baylin, whose work on Brain Based Parenting and PACE (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy) has been deeply influential in my practice. danielhughes.org
