6 Actions To Avoid During A Meltdown or Tantrum: Calming Emotional Storms

Parenting is challenging and none of us get it right every time. When a child’s emotional storm hits, it can feel impossible to know what to do. And sometimes the most instinctive responses are the ones that make things worse. Calming emotional storms is not about saying the right thing. It is about knowing what not to do.

Here are six actions worth avoiding when your child is in the middle of a meltdown or tantrum, and what to do instead.

6 Actions to Avoid When Your Child is in an Emotional Storm

1. Avoid asking questions, especially why

During a meltdown your child is in a full stress response. Their thinking brain is offline. Asking why or what is wrong feels natural but it will almost always escalate things. They cannot tell you because they genuinely do not know. Their brain is not capable of that level of reflection in that moment.

Instead say very little. A soft tone and simple statements are enough.

I am here with you.
Let us move somewhere quieter.
It is okay. I am with you.

2. Avoid threatening body language in emotional storms

When a child is dysregulated, your physical presence matters as much as your words. Looming over them, crossing your arms, frowning, or clenching your jaw can all read as threatening and escalate the storm further.

Get low, stay calm, keep your expression open and neutral. Give them space if they need it. Your body is communicating safety or threat before you have said a word.

3. Avoid trying to reason

When a child is in a meltdown their prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for reasoning and rational thought, has gone offline. Your words may make complete sense to you. They cannot reach your child right now.

Save the conversation for later, when calm has genuinely returned. Trying to reason in the storm is like trying to have a conversation in a hurricane. Wait for the weather to change first.

4. Avoid threats and punishment in the moment

Consequences and punishments are not the same thing. Consequences, addressed calmly after the storm, can help a child learn and reflect. Threats and punishments during the meltdown do not. A child who is flooded cannot take in what you are saying and will not benefit from it.

Focus on regulating your child first. Make a plan for consequences once everyone is calm. If there is no immediate safety issue, it is always okay to take a pause, gather yourself, and return to the situation when you are both steadier.

You can read more about the difference between discipline and punishment in my blog Positive Discipline versus Punishment.

5. Avoid making additional requests

When a child is dysregulated, telling them to stop, calm down, or do something else, however gently, tends to make things worse. Their system is already overwhelmed. Adding more to it tips things further.

Put all expectations on hold temporarily. Focus entirely on support and validation. Sit quietly. Listen. Let them know you understand. The Gottman Anger Iceberg is a helpful reminder that what you see on the surface is rarely the whole picture.

6. Avoid letting your perception take over

We all see situations through the lens of our own experience. Your child’s perception of what led to the meltdown may be very different from yours. When we become focused on being right, we get pulled into blame and escalation rather than connection and resolution.

This is a human condition. We all get caught up in it. What matters is awareness. When you can step back from your own perception and stay curious about your child’s, everything shifts.

Interested in working with me?

If calming emotional storms feels impossible right now and meltdowns are a regular and exhausting part of family life, please do get in touch.

I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, therapeutic support for parents, and training for schools and organisations.

You can reach me via my contact page.

Free resources

Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s brain during a meltdown and why these six things make it worse.

Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments, what to say, what not to say, and how to repair when things go wrong.

Both are free to download.