Practical steps to help your child self-soothe

Following on why self-soothing matters, here are my practical steps for helping both babies and older children learn how to self-soothe and settle. It is important not to rush this. Take one step at a time, and give each one space to settle before moving to the next.

Understanding what is actually happening in the body

Self-soothing is not just a habit to teach, it is a nervous system skill. A large part of this comes down to something called vagal tone, the strength and flexibility of the vagus nerve, which plays a central role in calming the body after stress. A child with strong vagal tone can move more easily out of a stressed or activated state and back into calm.

This is not fixed. It develops through repeated experiences of being soothed, first by you, and gradually, with practice, by themselves. Every time you help your child return to calm, you enable them to self-soothe. You are literally helping their nervous system build this capacity.

This is called co-regulation, and it always comes before self-regulation. Your child cannot regulate alone yet, however much you might wish they could at three in the morning. Your calm, steady presence is not a reward for good behaviour, or something you save for when they are managing well. It is how their developing brain learns, again and again, that safety is possible and that big feelings do pass. Over time, and with enough repetition, they borrow your calm until they can find their own and learn to self-soothe.

This is closely connected to emotional regulation more broadly, and if this is a pattern you recognise beyond just sleep, you may find it helpful to read Is Your Child Emotionally Dysregulated?

Step one: Set the scene for helping your child self- soothe

Whenever we start something new, it helps enormously to create the right conditions first. Think carefully about timing, avoid starting during a holiday or a period of change, since this tends not to stick. Talk to your child, even a baby, about what is coming. With an older child, you might say something like, “I think it might be time for us to think about sleep together. Let’s think of something positive we could try.”

Step two: Keep a positive attitude

Notice your own intention going into this. Are you feeling hopeful, or is your mind already saying, “we tried this before and it didn’t work”? Cognitive behavioural therapy is built on the idea that we can notice unhelpful beliefs and gently replace them with more balanced ones. Try to talk about sleep positively around your child, whatever their age. Babies in particular are deeply attuned to how we feel, and that feeling transmits.

Step three: Create a safe, quiet, calm and dark environment to enable your child to self-soothe

We sleep well when we feel comfortable, safe, and secure. Whether your baby’s cot is in your room or you are co-sleeping, the space should be free of screens, bright lights, and unnecessary noise. This matters just as much for older children. Blue light from screens affects melatonin, the hormone that helps regulate our sleep and wake cycle, so screens are best avoided in the run up to bedtime. Keep the room cool rather than too warm.

Always place your baby on their back to sleep, and if you are co-sleeping, make sure the sleep space is safe for your baby or child. When both you and your child know the environment is safe, that felt sense of safety is often what allows sleep to happen at all.

Step four: Manage separation anxiety and nighttime fears

For babies, games like peek-a-boo help them get used to you coming and going, and build trust that you always return. Separation anxiety is a normal part of development, not something to fix quickly. During the day, spend time playing and connecting with your child, this builds the security they draw on at night. Never creep away without saying goodbye, even if it feels easier in the moment, tell them you are going and that you will be back.

Older children need this attention just as much. They cannot properly let go into sleep if their fears have not been heard first. A transitional object, something small of yours that smells familiar or feels comforting, can help enormously, as can a short recording of your voice they can play if they wake. When they do manage to settle or sleep well, notice it and praise them warmly.

Step five: Be consistent and keep a routine

Babies and children thrive on predictability. Keep nap times and bedtimes consistent, and keep the wind down routine itself fairly short, no longer than about 35 minutes. Consistency is what the research consistently shows works best over time, not any single technique on its own.

I hope this helps. If you are finding it hard to manage on your own, please do reach out, everyone in your family deserves a good night’s sleep.

Interested in working with me?

If you would like more tailored support for your child or family, I offer sleep consultations, one to one therapy for children and young people, and therapeutic parenting support for parents. Please do get in touch if you would like to find out more.

You can reach me via my contact page.

Free resources

Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.

Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments and learning how to hold big feelings.

When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.

All free to download.

References

Holvoet, H. No Tears Self-Soothing: Effective, Gentle Techniques for Settling and Staying Asleep.

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With warmth,
Catherine