Many of us grew up in families where emotions were expressed but rarely discussed or mirrored. Feelings happened, but they were not named, explored, or held. That does not have to be the case with your children.
Emotion coaching is one of the most powerful things a parent can do. Not because it is complicated, but because it does something that most discipline approaches miss entirely. It creates connection. And connection, as the research consistently shows, is what makes everything else work.
What is Emotion Coaching
Emotion coaching is a way of responding to your child’s emotions that helps them feel understood, builds their emotional vocabulary, and gradually develops their capacity to manage big feelings themselves.
It was developed by Dr John Gottman, who studied families longitudinally from when children were three years old through to fifteen. What he and his colleagues found was striking. Warm, concerned, involved parents often had attitudes toward emotions that got in the way. When a child was sad, afraid, or angry, the instinct was to fix, distract, or dismiss. The secret, Gottman found, lay not in discipline alone but in how parents responded when emotions ran hot.
What the research shows
Gottman’s original research found that emotion coached children achieved more academically, were more popular with peers, had fewer behavioural problems, were more emotionally stable, and were more resilient.
More recent research continues to support this. A 2023 systematic review confirmed that parental emotion coaching uniquely predicts emotion regulation in young children, and the Education Endowment Foundation’s ongoing trial of emotion coaching in early years settings has highlighted increases in child wellbeing, decreases in sanctions and exclusions, and improvements in attendance and engagement.
Emotion coaching also connects directly to what we know about attachment and co-regulation. When a parent stays present and regulated during a child’s emotional storm, they are doing more than managing behaviour. They are lending their nervous system to the child until the child can find their own calm. Over time, that repeated experience of being held in feelings builds the child’s own capacity for self regulation. The co-regulation becomes self regulation.
This is why emotion coaching is not just a technique. It is a relational process that shapes the developing brain.
The Five Steps
1. Being aware of your child’s emotion
This sounds straightforward but it requires you to be aware of your own emotions first. If you are stressed, depleted, or triggered, attending to your child’s feelings becomes much harder. Start with yourself.
When you notice something is up, you do not need to push for conversation. Something simple like I can see something is bothering you keeps the door open without pressure. And if they are not ready, that is okay, I am here when you are is enough.
2. Recognising emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
When our home feels like a battleground it can be very hard to see a child’s emotional moment as anything other than another problem to manage. But try to shift the frame. This is not an interruption to connection. It is an invitation to it.
A simple self reminder helps. I am doing my best and so are they right now.
3. Listen empathically and validate the child’s feelings
This is the most important and the most challenging step. Validation means conveying that you understand your child’s experience as they are experiencing it, not as you think they should be experiencing it.
You do not have to agree with their reaction. You just have to show that you understand it. I can see you are really upset is enough. The feeling needs to be witnessed before anything else can happen.
4. Help your child label the emotions verbally
Children often behave in a certain way because they do not have the words for what they feel. Helping them name it does something important. Research shows that labelling an emotion reduces its intensity, because it activates the thinking brain rather than leaving the child entirely in the grip of the emotional one.
Use wondering language rather than telling. I wonder if you might be feeling disappointed? or Could you be feeling left out? Remember that children cannot always link their behaviour to their feelings. That is not defiance. It is just where they are developmentally.
A zones of feelings chart can be a lovely visual tool for younger children, helping them point to how big the feeling is and where they feel it in their body.
Use the right tone of voice, but in a calm manner. Remember, all feelings are accepted, but some behaviours are limited.
5. Setting limits while helping your child problem solve
Emotion coaching does not mean anything goes. All feelings are valid. Not all behaviours are acceptable. You can acknowledge how a child feels and still hold the boundary clearly and warmly.
I understand you are angry and I cannot let you kick. Come and sit with me while we wait for the big feeling to pass.
Problem solving comes after the storm, not during it. When the child is calm, that is the time to think together about what might help next time. Involving them in that process, even briefly, gives them agency and makes them more likely to use the strategies. You might ask something like, “How can I help you now? What can you do to beat the worry monster?” and remind them gently, “Remember what we discussed when you feel angry, we take big deep breaths or go to the big feelings tent.”
Many families I work with have several goals in mind at once. It genuinely helps to focus on just one or two, rather than everything together, so you can work on it properly. Different children may need different goals too, and it’s worth sitting down with each of them individually to talk this through, family meetings are a good place for these conversations to happen regularly.
Why does it Matter
Every parent I work with wants a loving connection with their child. Emotion coaching builds exactly that. It teaches children that their feelings are not too much, that you will not be overwhelmed by them, and that you will stay close even when things are hard.
It is never too late to start. And you do not have to get it right every time. Coming back after you have got it wrong is part of the model too.
You can read more about staying steady and repairing after difficult moments in my free guide Holding in the Storm.
Interested in Working with me
If you would like support in bringing emotion coaching into your family life, or if things feel stuck and you are not sure where to start, I offer one to one parenting support and consultations.
I also offer training for schools and professionals who want to embed emotion coaching into their practice.
You can get in touch via my contact page.
Free resources
Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.
Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.
When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.
All free to download.
Related reading
Managing Your Child’s Anger Through Validation
Family Meetings for a Calmer Summer
Externalising: It’s the Behaviour, Not Your Child
Talking to Your Child About Anxiety
And if you would like occasional guidance and support straight to your inbox, you are very welcome to join my newsletter.
With warmth,
Catherine
References:
The Gottman Institute
Gus, L., Rose, J. and Gilbert, L. Emotion Coaching: A universal strategy for supporting and promoting sustainable emotional and behavioural well-being. Educational & Child Psychology, Vol. 32, No. 1.
