How to Stop Shouting at your Children

This is one of the most common questions I hear in private practice. Here are some ideas that actually help, said with real compassion, not judgement.

Is it okay to feel angry? To shout, sometimes?

We’re hardwired for anger, joy, disgust, fear, love. All of it. Feeling any of it just means you’re human. Knowing that helps you be kind to yourself, rather than reaching straight for blame.We cannot avoid feeling as humans.

Shouting and self-compassion?

We all suffer, at different points, in different ways. Compassion is the natural response to that. It’s not self-pity. It’s offering yourself the same warmth you’d offer a friend, and most of us are far kinder to our friends than we are to ourselves.

Parenting is hard. Real self-care isn’t selfish here. It’s necessary.

Taking responsibility

No blame. But try to take responsibility.

If shouting starts to escalate, step away. Find something else to regulate with, then come back. Say sorry. Give a consequence if you need to. The behaviour isn’t the whole of who you are, and you don’t need to punish yourself for it endlessly either. My free guide Holding in the Storm covers exactly this, what to say, what not to say, and how to repair afterwards, it’s worth having close by for moments like these.

Sometimes a child hits something old in us. I call it a hot button. And we react far bigger than the moment actually calls for.

Where hot buttons come from

Parenting brings love, joy, worry, compassion. It also brings stress, fear, shame, sometimes all in the same five minutes. That can feel a long way from the parent you imagined you’d be.

This might be different from the caring parent construct in your mind. I work with many parents who’ve experienced unmanageable stress early in life and a complicated relationship with their parents. This is combined with the impact of culture, gender, religion, and dogma ( “conditioning”). This impacts our amygdala (the threat response system); sometimes, we react to a threat when there isn’t one and take it personally.

What actually helps

If your child triggers you more than feels manageable, and it’s touching your relationship, get help. That’s a strong move, not a weak one.

Name the feeling. It’s conditioning, not who you are. Tell your child plainly, “I’m going to step away and come back when I’m calm.” Discipline works better once shouting comes out of it entirely, I write more about this in Why Talking to Children in Hot Moments Does Not Help and Holding Big Feelings: The Power of Containment

Try not to take it personally. Your child is often reacting from their own amygdala too, not choosing to provoke you. Remind yourself it will pass. Take a real breath. Everything passes, that’s the one thing I can promise you.

Lean on your partner. Step back from anything adding fuel, social media, doom scrolling. There are no perfect parents. Only real ones.

Clear rules and boundaries help everyone, including you, know where they stand. Protect your own sleep, it matters as much as food or exercise. When something good happens, let yourself actually feel it, don’t rush past it. And build in real, dedicated time together, I write more about this in Special Time: How 15 Minutes a Day Can Deepen Your Connection

Dan Siegel’s healthy mind platter

Dr Dan Siegel suggests aiming for a balance of seven things each day.

Focus time, real goal-directed attention, builds deep brain connections. Play time, spontaneous and creative, builds new ones. Connecting time, with people, and with the natural world, strengthens our relational wiring. Physical time, moving your body, strengthens the brain in multiple ways. Time in, quietly noticing your own sensations and thoughts, helps everything integrate. Down time, no goal at all, lets the mind actually rest. Sleep time consolidates what the whole day taught you.

In conclusion

The way through is kindness, love, and clarity. With your child. And with yourself.

Interested in working with me?

If you would like more tailored support for your child or family, I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, therapeutic parenting support for parents, and training and consultation for professionals working with children and families. Please do get in touch if you would like to find out more.

You can reach me via my contact page.

Free resources

Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.

Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.

When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.