- Are you arguing with your teenager over the phone again?
- Do you feel you can not get through to them anymore?
- Do you feel you never quite find the right words that help your teen talk without grunting and becoming cross.?
I remember those feelings and sometimes lost hope that adolescence was an excellent opportunity to develop and discover who they are and seek to be. Don’t lose hope; the journey has bumps and cracks, but each of you will survive and live another day. I will give you the top survival skills that helped me and them with a bit of neuroscience to help too.
A bit about the science
Your teen’s brain is still under construction. It continues to change through adolescence, but critical new areas of development begin to grow fast from around the age of 12 years (although they won’t finish their development spurt until around 25).
These developments mean that your teenager can reason just like you and me around age 15-16. The part of the brain involved in emotional responses is even more active than you or me; however, the brain that keeps these emotions in check requires more maturity. So this explains they understand the logic behind why something should or should not be done but are more impulsive. This might explain why so many teenagers take more risks and make poor decisions concerning alcohol and drug use and sexual experimentation. Many more changes take place, too, such as hormones and in the context of many other factors such as home, family, friends, culture, and temperament.
Critical Survival Parenting Skills:
1. Don’t fall into emotive tennis matches (The teenager provokes, the parent gets angry and so on). This is common and will make you both miserable, but more than that, you and they will be experiencing the flight/fight or the shutdown response, and each of you will have cortisol overload. These can be the times that things get physical. Step away and remain calm and try out some of the responses below. We must accept that we, the parents are a big part of the problem when we need help.
2. Try and activate the anti-anxiety hormone Oxytocin
We know that a good relationship and secure attachment to an adult will activate oxytocin( check out my other blog to understand more); this hormone is a counterbalance to the stress hormone cortisol. So hug and make physical contact with your teenager. Sometimes they will revert from being independent to being relatively small; this is normal. If we are in conflict most of the time, we will activate cortisol, and this can lead to emotional dysregulation ( you can down my free handout on this when the pop-up comes up on the website)
If we are in conflict most of the time, we will activate cortisol, which can lead to emotional dysregulation ( you can down my free handout on this when the pop-up comes up on the website). Following these times, hugging each other and saying sorry can activate oxytocin and help your child learn that we all make mistakes, which is okay.
3. When you want to scream but should try empathy instead
Like you, we have all been there; like you, there were times when I did scream at my children but soon realised ( my training can come in handy) that I felt awful, so did they, and it had no effect at all on their behaviour. It’s best to take yourself away from your teen at this time, even though you might be in the Fight or Flight response. When you are calm, try empathy and use statements such as :
It’s best to take yourself away from your teen, even though you might be in the Fight or Flight response. When you are calm, try empathy and use statements such as :
- “That might make you feel..”.
- “So life feels pretty hard right now; I am here if you want to talk at another time.”
- “That’s hard when we get excluded from our friends. Is there anything I can do to help”
4. Please do not take it personally
Where else will it go if they can not discharge feelings into you? It’s normal; teens are programmed to get angry so they can separate from and leave home. This can be especially hard if you have felt very close and wonder who this alien is in front of you. Your child will say they hate you and might tell you you are useless, weak and more. The best approach is what we therapists use all the time. Its called empathising with the negative transference ( that means they try to put on to you what they are feeling), so you could respond with :
- So right now, you are seeing me as a controlling and harsh parent…..that might make you feel…..
- Using words such as might, maybe, and sometimes can help.
5. Using Praise to protect against conflict
When your relationship becomes tense and mutually rejected, it is just as important to notice when your teen does something well. Try not always to attribute it to an academic association. Remember, it needs to be specific and straight away is best. If it is tough to talk, leave a note in their room or have a family meeting. Praise them in front of family/friends.
6. Using Special time to repair any ruptures and help to develop a secure attachment.
I am a great advocate for having particular play time with children. That means regular times when your mind is focused on your child. Many clients tell me my child does not want to be with me. Through experience, I know that nearly all teens want and need to experience favourable times with their parents ( this is very important in teens whose parents have separated and are with new partners and families.) Ask them what they would like to do. Say you want to have a better relationship. Try not to be put off, and they may be testing you. Own your mistakes and say sorry. So go for a milkshake, supper, a walk or a bike ride. Particular time needs to occur at least once a week and regularly. This will help to build bridges and secure attachments.
7. Ensuring house rules and having clear consequences if they are broken.
Many teens are out of parental control. Do you have a permissive parenting style.? All families have different and unique rules; samples are:
- No texting, phoning, or computer games at mealtimes ( consequence- they are taken away)
- In sibling Wars, if you fight over video games, it will be taken away until you develop a way to share.
- No verbal abuse. Pocket money is taken away and discussed in family meetings.
I hope this helps, and let me know how you get on.
Be the best parent you can be, do one action today to help your child feel safe, secure and loved.
With Love Catherine
If you need help, contact me for a consultation or sign up for my online parenting workshops on more key survival skills for teens coming out in Early 2017.
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