Just Ignore A Very Effective Parenting Tool

Some parents feel that if you ignore your child it is not really an effective strategy. Actually, it can be one of the most powerful tools available. The real challenge is using it consistently. If you want to reduce whining, tantrums, or outright refusal, the tips below will help.

1. Choose your behaviours carefully

This works a bit like house rules. Decide on your top three behaviours to ignore, then take one at a time. Otherwise it can feel overwhelming, and you end up not really targeting anything. Use it alongside specific, labelled praise for the opposite behaviour. Your family meeting is a good place to decide together which behaviours to start with.

Behaviours that work well for ignoring include whining, shouting, facial grimaces, petty squabbles between siblings, fussy or picky eating, and cheeky backchat, particularly common in older children.

2. Manage your own nonverbal cues

Children pick up on nonverbal signals just as clearly as verbal ones. Often we think we are ignoring, but really we are still giving plenty of attention. Have you ever stopped talking but kept glaring or pulling faces? Or avoided eye contact while still muttering critical comments? We have all done this. Unfortunately, it tells your child the behaviour is still landing, which reinforces exactly what you are trying to reduce.

Effective ignoring means neutralising your response fully. Avoid eye contact and discussion, and move away quietly and calmly. It is tempting to make a bit of a show of it, but subtlety is what actually works.

3. Ignore, then distract

Ignoring does not mean doing nothing at all afterwards. Without an alternative offered, ignoring alone can tip into a power struggle. Picture this: a child wants a toy in the supermarket, is told no, and screams. The parent walks away and ignores it. The screaming stops, but instead of following up with a distraction, a favourite snack, a chat about saving pocket money, the parent simply leaves it there. The child feels abandoned rather than calmly redirected, and the whining starts up again.

So ignore first, then distract straight away, rather than leaving your child with nothing to move towards.

4. Stay consistent, and expect it to get worse before it gets better

I always remind the parents I work with that misbehaviour tends to escalate before it improves. This is completely normal. Your child is testing whether you really mean it. Talk it through with a partner or a friend beforehand if that helps you hold your nerve. Give it real time, and try not to give up halfway through.

What you should never ignore

Hitting, and bullying, especially between siblings, should never be met with ignoring alone. This technique works best alongside genuine warmth, praise, and connected time together, not instead of it. If trust has not yet been built between you and your child, ignoring on its own will not do very much. My blog Praise and Encourage for Change: Top Tips on Using Praise Effectively is a good companion to this one.

Interested in working with me?

If you would like more tailored support for your child or family, I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, therapeutic parenting support for parents, and training and consultation for professionals working with children and families. Please do get in touch if you would like to find out more.

You can reach me via my contact page.

Free resources

Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.

Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.

When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.

All free to download.