Some parents feel that ignoring is not an effective behavioural strategy. It can be one of the most effective parenting tools; however, it can be difficult for parents to use it consistently.
If you want to stop whining, tantrums, or outright refusing, the following tips will help you to manage.
1. Limit the behaviours you want to ignore first.
This is a bit like family rules; decide on your top three, and then take one at a time. Otherwise, it can become overwhelming, and you miss out on targeting specific behaviours. Also, you can use it in combination with labelled praise. Use your family meeting to discuss it.
Here are some examples of behaviours you should ignore:
- Whining
- Shouting
- Facial grimaces
- Petty Squabbles
- Messy or picky eating
- Clever talk and answering back (a big one with older children)
2. Manage it by avoiding eye contact and discussion
We don’t realise that our children pick up on nonverbal cues like verbal ones. We inadvertently give our children negative attention even when we don’t mean it. You may think you are ignoring your child, but you are giving them lots of attention. Are there times when you might have stopped talking but continued to glare and make faces? Do you avoid eye contact but continue to shout and make critical comments.? We have all been there, but unfortunately, you may be giving your child the message that the behaviour is affecting you and reinforces the behaviour you want to change.
#Effective ignoring is trying to neutralise your response, avoid eye contact and discussion, and move away quietly and subtly. It’s tempting to make it into a big drama, but subtlety is the key to being effective.
3. Ignore and distract
Ignoring something does not mean you can’t do something positive. If you don’t offer an alternative behaviour, it can lead to power battles. This is a common scenario. Sam is at the supermarket and wants a new toy, and his mum says no, so he screams, and she walks away and ignores him. The screaming stops, but instead of his mum offering a distraction such as finding his favourite food or, if Sam is older, talking to him about saving up for the toy, she leaves him; Sam then feels ignored and starts whining and shouting again.
So ignore and then distract straight away.
4. Be consistent and be prepared for the behaviour to escalate first.
I always remind the parents I work with that misbehaviour escalates before it gets better. So be prepared, talk it through with a partner, or do it with a friend. Your children will push the boundaries and want to see that you mean it. It can take time, so don’t give up and be consistent.
Some behaviours should never be ignored, such as hitting and bullying (especially sibling bullying), and please use them in conjunction with praise, rewards, and memorable time. If you have not developed a trusting relationship, ignoring it will be pretty ineffective.
With love, Catherine. If you think someone will benefit from this, please share.
