It is tempting, when things at home feel hard, to focus on what is going wrong. When you are in my sessions, most parents naturally want to talk about the difficult behaviour first. That makes sense. But if you want behaviour to change in the long term, praise and encouragement need to increase, not decrease, even when things are hard.
Many parents tell me they cannot bring themselves to praise their child until the behaviour improves. I understand that instinct completely, but it creates a stalemate. You are waiting for your child to change first, and they may be waiting for something from you first too. Someone has to move, and that is usually us, the adults.
Why this matters
Praise is not a reward for good behaviour alone. It is information. It tells your child what connection and approval feel like, and it teaches them, through repetition, what you would like to see more of. Children who are more oppositional or defiant may not respond warmly at first, and may even push it away. Keep going anyway. The message still lands, even when it does not look like it in the moment.
How to praise effectively
Be specific. “Well done” is kind, but it does not tell your child what worked. “I noticed you shared your toy with your brother without being asked, that was really kind” gives them something to hold onto and repeat.
Praise straight away. The closer praise is to the moment, the more your child connects it to what they did.
Praise the effort, not just the outcome. “You kept trying even when that was hard” builds resilience in a way that praising only success does not.
Notice the small things, not just the big wins. A calm moment during a normally difficult transition is worth naming, even if nothing dramatic happened.
Say it in front of others sometimes. A quiet word to your partner or a grandparent, within your child’s hearing, can land even more powerfully than praise said directly.
If face to face feels hard, or your relationship feels strained right now, a note left somewhere they will find it works just as well.
Choose one thing at a time
I find it is best not to set several goals at once. Choose one behaviour or moment to focus your praise on for a week or two, and let everyone settle into that before adding another. Trying to change everything at once tends to overwhelm both you and your child.
A small shift that changes a lot
You do not need grand gestures. One specific, well timed piece of praise a day is enough to start shifting the pattern. Do one thing today to help your child feel noticed, safe, and secure.
Interested in working with me?
If you would like more tailored support for your child or family, I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, therapeutic parenting support for parents, and training and consultation for professionals working with children and families. Please do get in touch if you would like to find out more.
You can reach me via my contact page.
Free resources
Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.
Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.
When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.
All free to download.
Related reading
Surviving the Teenage Transition
7 Survival Skills for Parenting Teenagers
Is Your Child Emotionally Dysregulated?
Family Meetings for a Calmer Summer
Emotion Coaching: The Power of Connection
And if you would like occasional guidance and support straight to your inbox, you are very welcome to join my newsletter.
With warmth,
Catherine
Reference:
Webster-Stratton, C. (2011). The Incredible Years: Parents, Teachers, and Children’s Training Series. Incredible Years, Inc.
