Why Does My Child Struggle with Emotional Regulation?

Are you feeling exhausted by your child’s constant tantrums, mood swings, or endless energy? Do they seem triggered by the smallest things, struggling to stay calm or focus? It’s easy to feel overwhelmed, guilty and even hopeless as a parent when nothing seems to soothe them. But the good news is—you’re not alone, and there’s a reason for this. In this article I want to reassure you:

• Your child isn’t being “difficult” on purpose.
• Self-regulation is a skill that develops over time (and isn’t fully mature until age 25!).For more on the emotional brain, go to my article [here].
• You are not failing as a parent, it is a normal part of child development and can be complex.

Rather than labelling these behaviours as a disorder, therapists often use the term dysregulation to describe difficulty in managing emotions and behaviour. But why do some children seem to struggle more than others? And what can we do to help?

In my last article, “Holding Big Feelings: The Power of Containment”, I explored the importance of containment—the ability to hold, understand, and soothe a child’s overwhelming emotions. Containment is a crucial part of emotional regulation, as it helps children feel safe enough to process their big feelings. But what if your child continues to struggle with self-regulation despite your best efforts?

It can be complicated but today the focus will be on attachment, temperament, trauma and culture. I will be including neurodiversity later in the year. These factors shape how a child experiences emotions, responds to stress, and develops self-soothing skills. Understanding them can help you tailor your support to your child’s unique needs.

What is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is the ability to recognise, manage, and respond to emotions and threat in a healthy way. This includes:

• Identifying and understanding feelings (both their own and others)
• Soothing themselves when upset
• Coping with frustration, change, or unexpected situations
• Controlling impulses and reactions
• Remain focused on a task even though they may be upset

Children aren’t born with these skills—they develop over time. And here’s something many parents don’t realise: self-regulation continues to develop until the age of 25. So if your child struggles now, it doesn’t mean they cannot change—it means their brain is still learning. It also means they are not a bad child and neither is your parenting. Additionally their temperament could be a factor in their capacity to regulate.

Temperament: Why Some Children Struggle More with Regulation

If you have more than one child, you’re likely familiar with the concept of temperament. Early on, you probably noticed how each child communicated their needs differently. It can be surprising if your first child was easy going while their sibling is more sensitive, intense, or reactive. Researchers Thomas and Chess were among the first to study temperament, noting how often mothers were unfairly blamed for their child’s behaviour. A child’s temperament, which is present from birth, also shapes how they respond to emotions and stress. Here are the key takeaways from their research:

• Easy/Adaptive Temperament: These children adjust easily, recover quickly from stress, and tend to regulate their emotions more smoothly.
• Slow-to-Warm-Up Temperament: These children may take longer to adjust to new situations and need more reassurance.
• Sensitive/Intense Temperament: These children experience emotions deeply and react strongly. They may need extra support in soothing and co-regulation.

A child’s temperament is not “good” or “bad”—it’s simply their unique way of interacting with the world. By understanding their natural tendencies, we can tailor our parenting to help them regulate emotions in a way that works for them.

How Attachment Impacts Emotional Regulation

The foundation of emotional regulation begins in infancy, shaped by a child’s early experiences with caregivers. When in danger, babies and toddlers experience big emotions and need to survive but don’t yet have the skills to manage them. Your presence, comfort, and responsiveness help them feel safe and understood, which lays the groundwork for self-regulation.

As a parent, your role is to:

• Acknowledge their emotions (“I see you’re upset”)
• Soothe them through touch, voice, and presence
• Guide them in understanding their feelings ( “Maybe or I wonder if you’re frustrated because your toy isn’t working”).

This process—called co-regulation—teaches your child that emotions are safe and manageable. Over time, as they experience consistent and responsive caregiving, they learn to regulate emotions on their own.

The good news? Attachment is flexible and can be strengthened at any stage. With warmth, attunement, and small moments of connection, children (and even adults) can build healthier emotional regulation over time.

When early experiences are threatening, unpredictable or stressful, children may develop different coping strategies—seeking extra reassurance, avoiding emotional closeness, or struggling with impulse control. These are not signs of “bad” attachment but adaptations to their environment. Dr Patricia Crittenden has done a lot of good research into this. Here are some key takeaways below to help you understand your child.

Dr Pat Crittenden’s Perspective: Child Attachment, Threat & Safety

Dr. Patricia Crittenden, a leading researcher in attachment, provides an important insight: attachment is about safety, not just bonding.

• Children develop attachment strategies based on their perceptions of safety and threat in their environment.
• These strategies are adaptive, not “secure” or “insecure” in a fixed way.
• Some children become hyper-aware of emotions and seek constant closeness, while others shut down emotionally—both are attempts to feel safe.

Understanding your child’s behaviour as a safety response (rather than just “difficult” behaviour) can shift how you approach emotional regulation. You can Listen to a podcast here https://youtu.be/q-BkLL_RiCk?si=NM8suklHS4IAQ_H_. It is also important to understand Epigenetics:

Epigenetics: How Attachment Patterns Could Be Passed Down

As someone who was born in Northern Ireland during the “Troubles” and very interested in intergenerational trauma .There is an emerging field of science that hypotheses attachment is not just psychological—it can be biological too. Epigenetics is the study of how experiences can turn genes “on” or “off” and influence development across generations.

• Stressful environments or early adversity (e.g., family stress, trauma, poverty) can activate stress-related genes, making children more sensitive to stress and emotions.
• On the flip side, positive, nurturing care giving can help mediate these effects, promoting resilience and emotional balance over time.

The good news? Attachment is not fixed. No matter what patterns may have been passed down, it’s never too late to create secure, connected relationships that support emotional regulation.

Tips to help you and your child

Model Self-Regulation Skills

Children learn emotional regulation by watching how you handle emotions. If you model healthy coping strategies, they will begin to do the same.

How to Practice It:

• Show how you manage stress in real time: “ There is frustration, so I’m going to take a pause and I will come back to you. For more ideas for you, click on [Emotion Coaching]
• Use simple mindfulness exercises together (belly breathing, counting to 10, squeezing a stress ball). Further information on ideas to manage stress here Creative Relaxation Ideas
• Encourage Physical Awareness: Teens may disconnect from their body’s stress signals. Encourage them to recognise signs like headaches, racing hearts, or tension as cues to pause and regulate.
• Use Media as a Tool: Movies, TV shows, or music can spark discussions about emotions in a less direct way. Ask, “What do you think that character was feeling?” to build emotional awareness.

• When you lose patience, repair: “I got upset earlier, but I love you and I’m sorry. Let’s try again.”

Strengthen Their Sense of Safety & Connection

• Above all, connection is key—when children feel safe and loved, they regulate better.
• Spend 5-10 minutes daily or once/twice a week for 15-30 minutes on one-on-one special time (child-led play). For more on Special Playtime, read my articles [here]
• Be Available Without Pressure: Create low-pressure moments to connect — driving in the car, watching a favourite show, or cooking together. Teens often open up when they don’t feel pushed.
• Offer reassurance: “I love you, even when you’re upset.”
• Focus on connection over correction—help them feel safe before addressing behaviour.
• Develop Rituals for Connection: Morning snuggles, bedtime chats, or “cuddle breaks” during the day can foster emotional security.
• Create a ‘Feel-Good’ Jar or self soothe box. Fill a jar with positive notes like “dance party,” “read a story together,” or “go outside for fresh air.” When emotions run high, pull a note to reset the mood together. Fill a box with five senses.
• Share Family Stories: Talking about times when family members have overcome challenges can provide comfort and build resilience.
• Create a Calm-Down Space: Designate a cosy corner with pillows, books, and sensory items like stress balls, colouring books, or a glitter jar. Use it yourself when feeling overwhelmed to model its purpose.

Teach and Label Emotions

Name and Frame It to Tame It: Help Them Identify Emotions

• Children often act out because they don’t have the words or reflective capacity to describe how they feel or link why they behaved in a certain way. Helping them label emotions makes them feel understood and helps them process feelings.
• Instead of saying, “Calm down,” try, “I wonder you’re feeling really angry right now.” ( Using words, like maybe, or I wonder is better than telling your child).
• Use books or emotion charts to help your child recognise different feelings.

Ask your child where they feel their emotion. We often forget to help children link their body with their emotions. Due to their lack of higher ( upstairs) brain pathways, they are more like to ” feel it” rather than speak it.

• Role Play Scenarios: Act out common challenges like sharing toys or feeling excluded, giving your child words to express those emotions. Role-playing can help children feel more in control of their fears by acting out different scenarios in a safe and playful way. Here are some fun and creative ways parents can use role-play to help their child feel more comfortable at night:
• Be the “Fear-Fighter” Superhero
• Let your child be a superhero who protects them from worries
• Parents can pretend to be the “scared one” and let the child show how to be brave.
• Equip them with a “magic flashlight”  or “invisible shield”  to “zap away” scary thoughts.
•  Switch Roles—Let Your Child Be the Parent
• Act like you are afraid of the dark or their specific worry or anger and have your child manage you.
• They can teach you how to stay calm, showing they understand their own coping tools.
• This helps build their confidence and reduces fear.
• Encourage Creative Expression: Drawing, painting, or storytelling can help children process big emotions when they struggle to verbalise them.

• Move it out: Use sport, movement or yoga to help teens and children understand the link between feelings and emotions.
  

Signs That a Child May Need Professional Support

While emotional ups and downs are a normal part of development, some signs may indicate that a child is struggling with emotional dysregulation and could benefit from professional help.

These include:

• Persistent and intense mood swings that interfere with daily life
• Frequent meltdowns or emotional outbursts beyond what is typical for their age
• Difficulty calming down, even with support and soothing techniques
• Aggressive or self-harming behaviours, such as hitting, biting, or scratching
• Withdrawal from family, friends, or activities they once enjoyed
• Chronic anxiety, excessive worries, or frequent panic attacks
• Trouble sleeping, nightmares, or consistent bedwetting beyond an expected age
• Difficulty focusing, maintaining attention, or extreme impulsivity
• Physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches without a medical cause
• Expressing feelings of hopelessness, sadness, or low self-worth

Key Considerations for Seeking Help

1. Distress – Assess the level of distress your child is experiencing. Do they have frequent meltdowns, display visible signs of distress, or experience physical symptoms such as a sore tummy or headache? Consider the severity and frequency of these symptoms.
2. Duration – How long have these challenges persisted? While occasional difficulties are normal, prolonged struggles that do not improve over time may indicate a deeper issue. If symptoms persist for several months or worsen over time, seeking professional guidance can be beneficial.
3. Disruption – Evaluate how these difficulties are impacting daily life. Are they affecting your child’s ability to focus at school, participate in activities they once loved, or maintain healthy relationships? If emotional struggles are significantly interfering with their routine and well-being, professional support may be necessary.

Conclusion

Teaching children how to regulate can be challenging but by understanding their temperament, attachment patterns, and the role of epigenetics, you can better support their emotional regulation. Recognising that some children are naturally more sensitive, neurodiverse ( coming soon) or intense helps you tailor your approach with patience, empathy or no blame.