In my practice, I talk a lot about empathy. It is often underused by parents in their parenting. How do you understand your child? Empathy is like shining a mirror back on your child. It shows them that they are understood. When we feel understood, we feel calm. Empathy and Sympathy are different.
What are the differences?
Empathy is understanding your child’s experience as well as understanding their emotions at that moment. At that moment, the parent uses their orbitofrontal-insula-anterior system (Hughes, Baylin). This is part of our smart mind and helps us be aware, understand, and show this to your child.
So when you are using empathy, you will:
- Have a perspective
- Recognise the emotion, feel with your heart
- Be non-judgmental
- Be accepting
Let’s give an example of using empathy:
Boy says I want to play (it’s near bedtime)
Mum says I know you do. It’s hard isn’t it as it is your bedtime now
Boy says I want to now
Mum says you don’t like going to bed now. It’s hard to stop playing, so we could read a nice book together.
Sympathy is limited; you want to make it better. But you may not mean it, which might make them feel misunderstood and then the behaviour may get worse.
Let’s use sympathy
Boy says I want to play
Mum says I know you do. Itsit’s bedtime
Boy says I want to
Mum says I know but at least you are going to read together with me.
Notice the subtle difference. Although the mum acknowledges his need to play, she does not fully empathise with his feelings and uses the distraction of reading a book. The tone of the conversation is very different and is likely not to be as effective. When your child feels understood and connected to you, this will enable them to be like this to others.
Phrases when you notice a feeling in your child ( please avoid asking why)
- I can see you are hurting
- I wonder if you are worried
- I can see you might be angry, can I sit with you until it calms?.
- You are looking a bit sad
Phrases to use when your child tells you something
- You felt hurt and angry when Jamie said that
- Sounds like you were feeling anxious before the test
- So you felt confident after that
- I can see how excited you are about the party
- I am sorry, did you feel left out when you were not invited to the party?
Free download on a 7 -day challenge using The Power of Empathy in Parenting
I challenge you to choose one statement and practise saying it to yourself first. This will help you use a tone of voice that is genuine and comes from your heart. Then decide what behaviour or time you would like to use it for and see how it goes. Remember, small changes are important and we are much more likely to stick with them.
