Talking to your Child about Anxiety

Many parents worry that talking to their child about anxiety will make things worse. That naming it will give it more power. In my experience the opposite is true. Children who do not have a language for what they are feeling often conclude that something is deeply wrong with them. I have worked with young people who thought of themselves as unusual, inadequate, or broken. Giving anxiety a name, explaining what it is and why it happens, takes some of that power away.

If you have not yet had the first conversation with your child about anxiety, you might want to start with my blog Talking Helps: Explaining Anxiety to Children which covers why talking helps and how to open the conversation. This blog picks up from there. Once the door is open, here is what to say next.

Step one: Start with what you have noticed

Children are often nervous in new social situations, at times of transition, or when they have to separate from you. Start by describing something specific you have observed, gently and without pressure.

When we went to Jenny’s house I noticed you seemed very quiet and needed to stay close to me. You seemed a bit nervous about being somewhere new and I wondered if that was how it felt.

Some children worry about being away from their parents at school. I wondered if that was something you felt too.

Before school you often get a tummy ache. I wondered if something might be worrying you.

Being wrong does not matter. If your child corrects you, they have just told you something important. Wondering out loud opens doors that direct questions close.

Step two: Help them understand what anxiety actually is

Once your child is talking, or at least listening, help them understand that anxiety is not something wrong with them. It is a normal human response that everyone experiences. It is uncomfortable but it is not dangerous. And it always passes.

Children respond well to a bit of simple science. Here is an accessible way to explain the stress response.

There is a part of your brain called the amygdala. I think of it like a guard dog. Its job is to keep you safe, scanning for anything that might be a threat. It works incredibly fast, a tenth of a second, faster than a conscious thought. When it senses danger it sets off an alarm and your body gets ready to fight, run away, or freeze. That is why your heart beats faster, your tummy feels funny, and your legs feel wobbly. Your body is doing exactly what it was designed to do.

The problem is that the guard dog sometimes barks at things that are not actually dangerous. A test, a social situation, being away from home. It cannot always tell the difference between a real threat and a perceived one. That is anxiety. Not a sign that something is wrong. Just a guard dog that is a bit overprotective.

You can read more about the guard dog brain in my free guide Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain.

Step three: Help them recognise anxiety in themselves

Anxiety shows up in three places: the body, thoughts, and behaviour. Helping your child recognise it in each of these areas gives them more capacity to catch it before it tips.

In the body

Sit with your child and ask them where they feel worry in their body. You might draw a simple outline and ask them to point to or colour the places. Common physical symptoms include tummy aches, feeling sick, headaches, dizziness, dry mouth, needing the toilet frequently, not feeling hungry, or feeling very tired.

Younger children are particularly likely to experience anxiety as a physical symptom without connecting it to a feeling. Helping them notice the link between the body sensation and the worry is an important first step.

In thoughts

Anxious children often get caught in thinking traps. Worrying about something terrible happening to a parent. What if thoughts that feel very real but are focused on something that has not happened yet. Ruminating over something that went wrong at school. Catastrophising about what might happen next.

For younger children, giving the anxiety a name can help create some distance from it. The worry monster. Mr Worry. The wibble wobble. Whatever fits your child. Once anxiety has a name it becomes something separate from them, something they can talk back to.

For older children and teenagers a helpful analogy is a volume dial. The anxiety turns the volume up on frightening thoughts until they seem very loud and very convincing. The goal is not to silence the thought but to turn the volume down a little.

In behaviour

Anxiety often shows up in what a child avoids or does to feel safe. Avoidance of situations, places, people, or activities they used to manage. Clinginess or difficulty separating. Meltdowns or extreme upset before anxiety-provoking situations. Difficulty sleeping alone or at bedtime. Seeking constant reassurance. Safety behaviours, rituals or routines a child feels they must do to keep the anxiety at bay.

It is worth knowing that safety behaviours, including reassurance seeking, bring temporary relief but tend to maintain anxiety over time. They prevent a child from discovering they could have managed without them.

What not to say

Do not worry. Everything will be fine. You are being silly. There is nothing to be scared of. Stop being so anxious.

These responses are well intentioned but tend to leave a child feeling dismissed and more alone with what they are carrying. Their feelings are real even when the feared outcome is not.

The different types of anxiety

Understanding which type of anxiety your child is experiencing helps you respond more effectively.

Generalised anxiety involves persistent worry about many different things, often future focused and hard to control.

Separation anxiety involves intense distress when separated from parents or caregivers, beyond what is developmentally expected.

Social anxiety involves fear and avoidance of social or performance situations, not shyness but a genuine inability to manage the anxiety in those contexts.

OCD involves intrusive, unwanted thoughts and compulsive behaviours or rituals performed to reduce the anxiety those thoughts create. You can read more in my blog Does My Child Have OCD?

Specific phobias involve intense, persistent fear of a specific object or situation that causes significant distress and avoidance.

Panic disorder involves repeated unexpected panic attacks, intense surges of physical symptoms including racing heart, difficulty breathing, dizziness, and feeling of impending doom.

You can read more about all six types in my blog Anxiety Disorders in Children: Understanding the Six Types.

When to seek support

Occasional anxiety is a normal part of childhood. However it is worth seeking support if the anxiety is significantly affecting your child’s daily functioning, has been present for six months or more, is affecting school, friendships, or family life, or if your child is distressed much of the time.

Early support makes an enormous difference. Do not wait and see indefinitely.

Interested in working with me?

I work with children and young people with anxiety using play therapy, the World technique, and talking therapy adapted to their age and what they need. I also work with parents directly, helping you understand what is driving the anxiety and how to respond in ways that actually help.

You can reach me via my contact page.

Free resources

Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when anxiety takes over.

Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.

When Darkness Comes for support with anxiety and sleep difficulties at night.

All free to download.