Surviving and Understanding Tantrums

Surviving your child’s big feelings is one of the most challenging aspects of parenting. And tantrums, particularly in the toddler years, can feel relentless, embarrassing, and exhausting in equal measure.

However, here is something worth knowing from the start. Tantrums are not a sign that something is wrong with your child or with your parenting. They are a sign that your child’s brain is doing exactly what it should be doing.

What is a tantrum?

Tantrums are storms of feeling, often triggered by being told no, by transitions, by frustration, or by a need that cannot yet be put into words. They usually begin around the age of one and can continue beyond three, though for some children they persist longer, particularly if there are additional sensory, developmental, or emotional factors at play.

They arise because a child’s higher rational brain is still developing the capacity to manage powerful feelings in an acceptable way. Furthermore, before language is fully established, behaviour is a child’s primary form of communication. The tantrum is not manipulation. It is the only tool they currently have.

Why tantrums actually matter

Ninety percent of brain growth occurs in the first five years of life. During this period tantrums play a genuinely important role in brain development. They enable pathways to manage stress, frustration, and self assertion later in life. In other words, the child who has tantrums now is building the neural architecture for emotional resilience.

Consequently, the too good child with no tantrums is not necessarily doing better. A child who never tantrums may have learned that big feelings are unacceptable and learned to repress them instead. Over time that can make self assertion and emotional expression harder, not easier.

Your child’s tantrums, as exhausting as they are, are a healthy part of their development. The goal is not to eliminate them but to help your child move through them safely.

How tantrums make you feel

A tantrum is not just your child’s experience. It is yours too. You may feel anxious, helpless, angry, embarrassed, or flooded by their feelings in a way that is hard to manage. That is not weakness. That is your nervous system responding to theirs.

It is also worth knowing that tantrums can bring up feelings from your own childhood. How was anger managed in your family growing up? Were you allowed to express big feelings or did you learn to suppress them? Our parental models come into play more than we realise in these moments. Therefore if you find tantrums particularly hard to manage, that is worth exploring with support.

Two types of tantrums: Margot Sunderland’s distinction

Therapist and author Margot Sunderland, in her book What Every Parent Needs to Know, identifies two distinct types of tantrums that require very different responses. This distinction is one of the most useful things I know for parents of young children.

The Nero tantrum is characterised by an absence of real distress. Your child may scream and shout but there are few or no tears. There is a feeling of being bullied into submission. This is a bid for power and control. In response, the most effective approach is to hold the limit firmly and not give in. If you give in at this point, your child learns that this behaviour achieves their desired outcome. Therefore hold firm, use calm ignoring, and ensure there are clear limits in place before this moment arises.

I know you are angry and I cannot let you hit or kick.

The distress tantrum looks very different. You will see genuine tears, fragmentation, and a child who seems overwhelmed and out of control. In contrast to the Nero tantrum, this child needs soothing and containment, not firmness.

In these moments, hold them tenderly if they will let you. Sit with them. Use simple words. I know, I know. You wanted the toy. It is okay. I am here. Your calm, steady presence is the intervention. You are lending them your nervous system until they can find their own calm again.

What helps in the moment

With younger children, the approach needs to be simpler and more physical than with older ones. Reasoning and explaining do not reach a toddler in the grip of a full tantrum. Their thinking brain is offline and words are largely ineffective. What reaches them is your body, your calm, and your presence.

Get close and get low. Down to their level. Physical proximity matters enormously to young children. If they will let you, hold them. If not, sit nearby and stay steady.

Distraction works well with toddlers in a way it does not with older children. A sudden change of focus, something unexpected, a funny sound, a different object, can interrupt the escalation before it tips into a full storm. However do not use distraction to avoid the feeling entirely. Once calm has returned, name what happened simply. You were really upset weren’t you. That was hard.

Offer two choices rather than open ended options. Toddlers cannot process too much information when dysregulated. Would you like a hug or shall we sit together is enough. Keep it simple and keep it warm.

Humour, used gently and at the right moment, can shift the atmosphere when things are starting to build rather than during a full storm. A silly voice, an unexpected action, something that catches them off guard. Young children respond to playfulness in a way older children sometimes do not.

After the storm, reconnect warmly before anything else. A hug, a quiet moment together, a simple acknowledgement. That was really big wasn’t it. I am here. That repair matters as much as anything else.

And always remember to say I love you no matter what you do or say. When a child knows they are loved unconditionally, that security makes everything easier over time.

A note for the hard moments

If you are struggling, be kind to yourself. We are all human. It can help to remember in those moments that your child is not giving you a hard time. They are having a hard time. And you are the safest person they know to have it with.

In those moments it can help to say to yourself simply: this will pass. Because it always does.

Interested in working with me?

Tantrums and big feelings are one of the most common reasons parents come to see me. If things feel stuck, if the intensity or frequency is worrying you, or if you simply want some support in finding a steadier way through, I would love to help.

I offer one to one parenting support and consultations, drawing on over twenty six years of clinical experience. You can get in touch via my contact page.

Free resources

Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.

Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments, what to say, what not to say, and how to repair when things go wrong.

Both are free to download.