In some parts of society, there’s a belief that playing is unproductive, frivolous, something to be finished with quickly so real life can resume. I don’t believe that. Offering your full attention to your child is a genuine expression of love, and it’s one of the most effective tools I know.
If you knew that 15 minutes a day, or three times a week, of Special Time could deepen your connection with your child, would you do it? Many parents come to my clinic when things at home feel stuck, and Special Time is often where real change begins.
Why play matters so much now
It teaches children how to socialise and cooperate.
Play is everywhere in the animal kingdom, bears, rats, cats, dogs, all engage in rough play and tussling. Play helps animals hunt, but studies have shown something interesting: animals deprived of play-fighting could still hunt perfectly well. What they never learned was how to socialise. This is exactly why rough-and-tumble play matters so much for children too, it teaches boundaries, how far is too far, and the difference between playful teasing and something that’s tipped into unkind.
It supports emotional regulation.
Play, and rough-and-tumble play in particular, stimulates growth factors in the brain that help children manage emotions and build genuine empathy. I write more about this in The Power of Play: Helping Your Child De-Stress
It builds attunement and connection.
Developmental psychology has long shown the importance of “serve and return” interactions. Even with a baby, this can be as simple as gazing at them, they babble, smile, and you respond. These small exchanges are enough to sync brain activity between you and your child, something called attunement, and it feels good for both of you when it happens. This doesn’t stop mattering as children get older, it just needs new forms.
Play builds imagination, creativity, and problem-solving.
Children move naturally between pretend and reality, and imaginative play helps them build coherent stories about their world, something we continue doing throughout our whole lives. Imagination is genuinely the foundation of creativity and problem-solving. We need more of this in an AI world.
What is Special Time?
I first came across this idea through Dr Carolyn Webster-Stratton, who developed the Incredible Years programme, recommended in NICE guidelines for ADHD. I trained as a facilitator myself while working in CAMHS within the NHS, and it’s a technique I still use and recommend regularly.
Set aside time each day, or at least twice a week, for a minimum of ten minutes, though I find most parents I work with prefer fifteen to twenty. Most parents genuinely struggle to manage daily, and that’s completely fine, once a week, for a proper twenty/ thirty minutes, one to one, works just as well if that’s realistically what you can offer. What matters far more than frequency is that it’s genuine, undivided, and consistent enough that your child comes to rely on it.
A note on AI and screens
Children now grow up surrounded by AI chatbots, screens, and endless digital entertainment, and it’s genuinely changing childhood in ways we’re still working out. But none of it replaces real, physical play with a present adult. Screens can hold attention, and even AI companions can hold a kind of conversation, but neither offers the serve-and-return attunement, the physical closeness, or the felt sense of being truly seen that comes from a parent’s undivided presence. If anything, growing up alongside so much passive, screen-based entertainment makes deliberate, unplugged Special Time more important than it’s ever been, not less. Your attention is not something a screen or an app can substitute, however clever it becomes.
The Benefits of Sand Timers
I love sandtimers. A sand timer works particularly well for younger children, since they can actually watch the time passing rather than just being told it’s running out. Be clear about the start and finish. Keep it at a consistent time of day, and avoid doing it right before bedtime, since it can overstimulate rather than settle your child. Call it Special Time specifically, it works particularly well for easing sibling rivalry too, since each child gets their own dedicated slot. Let your child choose what to do, children have so little power generally, and if they can’t decide, offer just two options. And give them your genuine, full presence for that time, nothing else competing for your attention.
You may already feel like you’re playing with your child constantly, while also juggling work and everything else. Special Time isn’t about adding more, it’s about making a small amount genuinely undivided. When your child feels truly important to you, their need to misbehave simply to get noticed tends to decrease. It also becomes much easier for your child to accept “not right now” when you can follow it with something concrete: “I can’t right now, but I’m looking forward to our special time at half past four.”
Ideas for what to actually do
Not everyone feels naturally comfortable or confident playing with their children, and if that’s you, be gentle with yourself, you may not have had much one-on-one play modelled for you as a child either. Simple props help enormously, a football, a balloon, puppets, feathers, playing cards, colouring books. It really doesn’t need to be complicated. You can do lego, kick a football, card games, drawing. It is about your child choosing and for once it is their control but you hold the time and your presence.
Rough and Tumble Play
Rough-and-tumble play, wrestling, tummy blowing raspberries, works well for many children, and it’s worth agreeing a boundary beforehand if your child tends to get overexcited. So, something like, “we’ll take a break if this gets too much.” Role play and make-believe are wonderful too, and building a den or a castle together remains a genuine classic for good reason.
A few things to keep in mind
Offer your full presence, take a breath before you start, and put your phone away properly. Try not to compete with your child, this isn’t about winning. Don’t expect too much too soon, and don’t give up if your child seems to reject it at first, especially if they tend towards oppositional behaviour. Sometimes doing something different is exactly what starts to shift a stuck pattern. Keep the focus on genuine interaction and free play, this isn’t the moment for reading, homework, or screens, those all have their own place elsewhere in the day. And try to resist the urge to jump in and help or correct, let your child work things out themselves, that struggle is where real problem-solving, turn-taking, and creativity actually develop.
It’s a small amount of time, genuinely undivided, and it makes a real difference.
Interested in working with me?
If you would like more tailored support for your child or family, I offer one to one sandplay/play therapy for children and young people, therapeutic parenting support for parents, and training and consultation for professionals working with children and families. I am a trained facilitator in both the Incredible Years and Solihull Approach programmes. Please do get in touch if you would like to find out more.
You can reach me via my contact page.
Free resources
Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.
Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.
When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.
All free to download.
Related reading
The Power of Play: Helping Your Child De-Stress
Family Meetings for a Calmer Summer
Emotion Coaching: The Power of Connection
References
Brown, S. Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul.
Panksepp, J. Research on play and brain development.
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With warmth,
Catherine
