Sibling Fights and Rivalry

Why siblings may fight

Boredom or hunger

Before anything else, it’s worth checking the simple things. A bored child will seek stimulation anywhere, and sadly, a sibling is often the easiest target. It’s not personal, and it’s not really about your other child at all, it’s just what’s available in that moment.

The primitive brain is in charge

Try to hold onto this when it’s hard to: your child’s thinking brain is still years from being fully built, so in the heat of a fight, they’re often not choosing to hit or shout, they simply don’t yet have another way to manage what they’re feeling. That doesn’t mean nothing needs to change, it means the change has to come gently, through your help, not through shame.

Favouritism

This is a hard one to admit, even to yourself. Some children are simply easier to feel close to than others. It happens. And children feel it, even when we’re doing everything we can to hide it.

If your child ever tells you, or shows you, that they feel less loved than a sibling, please don’t rush past it. “Don’t be silly, I love you both exactly the same” can feel, to a child, like being told their feeling isn’t real. And it is real to them, whatever the truth actually is underneath.

Try sitting with it instead. “That sounds really hard, feeling like I like your brother more than you. What makes you feel that way?” Then actually listen to the answer. Envy between siblings is painful, and lonely, and it deserves to be met gently, not corrected. You don’t need to have the perfect response ready. You just need to stay close while they tell you.

This is often harder still if one child does have additional needs, or a more difficult temperament, and quietly does take up more of you. That’s genuinely worth being honest with yourself about too, not as something to feel ashamed of, but so you can notice it, and make space for the other child’s feelings about it too.

Mirroring parental conflict

This one is genuinely hard to hear, but worth knowing. Some children fight with each other because they’re echoing conflict they’ve witnessed between the adults in their life. Some will even fight specifically to bring you and your partner together, an unconscious, heartbreaking little act of trying to fix something that isn’t theirs to fix. If this feels like it might be happening in your home, please be gentle with yourself, children absorb far more than we realise, and noticing this is the first step, not a reason to feel worse.

How to respond to sibling fighting

Ignore minor issues

Make sure everyone knows your family’s rules, with clear boundaries, so siblings know what’s expected without you needing to referee every small thing. This actually helps children feel more contained, not less, held by something steady, rather than left to work it out entirely alone. A simple rule that works well: speak your feelings rather than hit out, and find a grown-up if you need help. Bring these rules to a family meeting, or call an emergency one if it’s been a particularly trying day.

Don’t meet fighting with shouting or hitting.

I know this is genuinely hard in the moment, you’re exhausted, and two children screaming at once tests anyone’s patience. Try not to scream, shout, or hit when you’re cross yourself. Step away, breathe, give yourself a moment, then return to manage the situation calmly. If you do lose it, and you probably will sometimes, say sorry and mean it. When your children see you own a mistake, they learn it’s safe to make mistakes too, and are more likely to own up to theirs.

Don’t take sides

Unless you’ve genuinely witnessed the act yourself. Some children are remarkably good at play-acting, I’ve watched more than one sibling wind up their brother or sister deliberately, sometimes precisely because they’ve realised it earns them your attention. Praise and encourage the behaviour you do want instead, gently, not as a trick, but as a genuine way of noticing what’s going right.

Encourage them to work it out

If siblings are fighting over a toy, a simple policy helps: whoever has it keeps it for a set time, while you support the other sibling in waiting, gently holding their hand if they try to grab, and naming how hard waiting is for them. “I know this is hard, waiting is really hard.” Other times, it’s better to hold back entirely and simply ask, “what can you two do to sort this out?” Trust them a little more than feels comfortable.

If it genuinely can’t be resolved and the fighting escalates, a logical consequence works well here, if they can’t share it, the toy gets put away for a while, for both of them. Not as a punishment exactly, more a simple, natural outcome, the toy caused conflict, so the toy takes a break too. This connects to what I write about in 8 Tips on How to Use Consequences Effectively

Help them with big feelings, don’t just remove them

Time out/in gives everyone breathing space, and that’s genuinely useful sometimes. But it doesn’t teach a child to change, and some children spend that time quietly plotting revenge rather than actually calming down. Emotion coaching helps far more in moments of sibling anger, meeting the feeling rather than just pausing it, I write about this properly in Connect With Your Child Using Emotion Coaching

Ensure real safety

Children need protecting from aggression, including from a sibling. I’ve worked with many adults who were bullied by a sibling growing up, and the lasting damage from a lack of parental protection at the time is genuinely significant, it stays with people for decades. Children should have room to work things out themselves, but where there’s real harm, you need to step in and take charge, without guilt, that’s exactly what you’re there for. If you’re not sure where that line sits, it’s worth seeking support, you don’t have to work this out entirely alone.

Give each child sibling separate, genuine Special Time

Don’t fall into treating every child identically, they’re each unique, and family time together isn’t a substitute for individual attention. Children are remarkably perceptive about how they’re treated compared to a sibling, even when you don’t think they’ve noticed. Aim for twice a week, ten minutes, one to one, with each child. I write more about how to do this properly in Special Time: How 15 Minutes a Day Can Deepen Your Connection

Thank you for reading this. I know you’re a committed parent, sibling rivalry is genuinely hard to navigate, some days it can feel relentless, and you’re doing more right than it probably feels like in the middle of it.

Interested in working with me?

If you would like more tailored support for your child or family, I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, therapeutic parenting support for parents, and training and consultation for professionals working with children and families. Please do get in touch if you would like to find out more.

You can reach me via my contact page.

Free resources

Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over. Find out more about your child’s reptilian brain.

Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments. Great for these moments with siblings.

When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.

All free to download.