Separation and divorce are among the hardest things a family can go through. And when there are children involved, the stakes feel even higher. You want to get it right for them, even when everything between you and your ex-partner feels impossibly hard.
What the research tells us
The research on separation and divorce is consistent on one thing. It is not the separation itself that causes the most harm to children. It is the level of conflict they are exposed to.
Children who experience high parental conflict, regardless of living arrangements, show more difficulties with behaviour, emotional regulation, and wellbeing. Children who feel loved by both parents, who are not caught in the middle, and who have consistency and predictability in their lives, tend to do significantly better.
That does not mean you have to like each other. It means finding a way to shield your child from the conflict as much as possible, even when that feels very hard.
What your child might be going through
Separation and divorce can bring a particular kind of grief that is not always recognised. Dr Pauline Boss, a family therapist and researcher, coined the term ambiguous loss to describe a loss that is unclear, uncertain, and lacks permanency. Unlike bereavement, there are no rituals, no social support systems, no clear moment of ending. The person is still there and also not there in the way they were. That can leave children, and parents, feeling confused, stuck, and unsure how to grieve something that has no clear shape.
You can read more about Dr Boss and her work here.
Children cannot always put words to what they feel about separation or divorce. They show it instead.
In younger children you might notice tummy aches, sleep problems, school refusal, clinginess, or anger that seems to come from nowhere. Regression to younger behaviour is also common, things they had grown out of suddenly reappearing.
In teenagers it can look different. Anger directed at the parent they live with, oppositional behaviour, lower motivation at school, withdrawal, or low mood. Some teenagers become very focused on fairness and blame. Others go quiet and carry it alone.
One thing worth saying clearly, and saying more than once: it is not their fault. Children often believe, somewhere underneath, that they caused the separation or could have prevented it. They need to hear otherwise, not just once but repeatedly, and particularly in moments of conflict.
Moving between two homes
There is something else worth naming. Moving between two homes is genuinely hard for children, even when both homes are loving and safe. Home is where a child roots. It is where they know where things are, where they feel the rhythm of the day, where they can relax into being themselves. When home becomes two places, that rootedness has to be found twice over. Some children manage this well. Others find the constant transition quietly exhausting, even if they cannot say why.
And if either home includes a blended family, a new partner, step siblings, different rules and rhythms, the complexity deepens. Children can love everyone involved and still find it hard to know where they belong. That is not ingratitude. It is a nervous system trying to find solid ground.
Your child may take time to adjust. Research suggests that many children return to typical functioning within the first two years following divorce, though this varies enormously depending on the level of ongoing conflict, the stability of their living arrangements, and the support around them. That does not mean two years of difficulty. It means being patient with the process and not expecting them to be fine before they are ready.
What helps
Keep the conflict away from your child
If you can find a way to communicate with your ex-partner that does not draw your child in, that is one of the most protective things you can do. Email or text can take the heat out of communication that might otherwise happen in front of them. A business-like approach, focused on logistics and your child’s needs rather than the relationship, can help both parents stay on track.
Do not ask your child to carry messages, report on the other parent, or take sides. And do not join in if they are critical of your ex-partner. Listen, acknowledge how hard it is for them, and hold a neutral space.
Protect connection with both parents
Where it is safe to do so, maintaining connection with both parents matters enormously. If you are the parent who has moved out, letters, calls, and regular contact all tell your child they are not forgotten. If you have met someone new, do not assume your child will be happy about it. Give them time, keep your special time with them protected, and let the relationship develop slowly.
Stability and routine
Try to minimise further change in the first two years after separation if you can. Home, school, friendships, the rhythms of the week. Consistency tells a child’s nervous system that even though something big has changed, their world is still safe.
If changes have to happen, talk them through with your child beforehand where possible. Being consulted, even briefly, helps children feel less powerless.
How I can help
I offer one to one sessions for children who are struggling with the impact of separation or divorce. My aim is to provide a safe, neutral space where they can make sense of what they are feeling without any pressure to take sides or manage a parent’s feelings.
I also offer support for parents individually, to think through how to talk to your child, how to manage the emotional impact on yourself, and how to parent as steadily as possible through a very difficult time.
And I can work with both parents together on co-parenting, not mediation, but a supported space to think about your child’s needs and how to meet them, even when the relationship between you is strained.
If you would like to find out more or get in touch, you can reach me via my contact page.
Free resources
If you are in the middle of a difficult time and looking for something to help right now, my free guides may be a good starting point.
Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.
Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent when things are hard at home.
Both are free to download.
And if you would like occasional guidance and support straight to your inbox, you are very welcome to join my newsletter.
With warmth,
Catherine
