Bringing up children is tough, and despite endless knowledge available on the web, it can still feel baffling and hard. Parenting brings so many feelings, love, joy, real happiness, and other times it fills us with something much harder, unworthiness, the sense we’re getting it wrong. I often think of it like a grey fog seeping in, we feel heavy, our thinking dulls, and self-criticism creeps in alongside harshness towards others. Underneath all of it, there’s often a complete loss of compassion, for ourselves as much as anyone.
Does this sound familiar? How often do you actually take a self-compassion pause? Do you give yourself real time to go inward and nourish yourself? To love yourself, honestly?
Why self-compassion matters for your child too
I believe when we’re compassionate, kind, and gentle with ourselves, we’re then genuinely able to offer that to our children too, and in doing so, we teach them how to regulate their own emotions. That’s an extraordinary gift, and it starts with you, not just with them.
What the research shows
A study by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer followed participants through an eight-week Mindful Self-Compassion programme, which included practising a specific self-compassion break. By the end of the programme, participants reported significantly greater self-compassion than they’d started with, and greater than a comparison group who hadn’t taken part. They also reported greater mindfulness and life satisfaction, alongside lower depression, anxiety, and stress. This isn’t a new idea, Buddhist practice has held this territory for centuries, but it’s genuinely good to know the modern research backs it up.
A free self-compassion practice
I’ve adapted a short self-compassion audio exercise, based on this same research, to help with negative thinking patterns in the moment. It takes just over eight minutes, and it’s something you could turn to on a day when parenting feels genuinely hard, when a feed has gone badly, when you’ve been short with your child and feel wretched about it afterwards. Try it once, when you have a spare few minutes, or make it a weekly practice if that suits you better.
Wanting to love and tend to yourself is a radical act, and an active choice, not a passive one. So take a few minutes for yourself today, if you can.
Thank you for reading this, and for your ongoing commitment to your child’s wellbeing, and your own. Parenting is genuinely hard work, and you deserve real support too.
Interested in working with me?
If you would like more tailored support for your child or family, I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, therapeutic parenting support for parents, and training and consultation for professionals working with children and families. Please do get in touch if you would like to find out more.
You can reach me via my contact page.
Free resources
Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.
Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.
When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.
All free to download.
Related reading
Parenting with Peace: Calming Strategies When You Are Triggered
How to Stop Shouting at Your Children
Holding Big Feelings: The Power of Containment
References
Neff, K.D. and Germer, C.K. (2013) A Pilot Study and Randomized Controlled Trial of the Mindful Self-Compassion Program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), pp.28-44.
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With warmth,
Catherine
