The pandemic has been with us for a while and does not look like it will be going any time soon. Life is more demanding and challenging than ever before. Holding on to a sense of hope that this will pass takes wisdom, fortitude, strength, belief, will, and courage. What can we do when life is so out of our control and without end? I don’t have any answers, but here are some of my thoughts.
Challenges Of Managing “Big Feelings”.
All of us will have many feelings right now, ranging from weariness to positivity; however, the uncertainty of our current circumstances will undoubtedly put us on guard and make us feel under threat!
Consequently, we will likely respond with the fight, flight or shutdown ( stress response). We may fight, retreat, or run away ( flight); when the threat seems grave, we may “shut down” or freeze. Children and teens of all ages will be picking up on the fear and panic experienced by adults around them. When uncertainty or danger strikes, children are “wired” to look to their caregivers to interpret how safe they should feel. If their primary adult is calm, a child feels reassured. But if their adult is upset, the child feels unsafe, and their body and brain go into threat mode. And when the threat system is on too long without relief, physical and mental health problems can result.
It is our job to model and coregulate emotions and help them link their behaviour with their feelings. Here are several examples:
What Type of Behaviours Would I Notice In My Child?.
Fear can traumatise children and, more often, struggle to communicate it verbally.
Examples of Fight (Anger-related behaviours).
- Escalating Tantrums or Meltdowns.
- Argumentative, oppositional, and more physical than usual.
Examples of Flight ( Anxiety and fear-based behaviours)
- Being clingy, wanting to be with you more than usual.
- We are talking about lots of sore tummies/headaches.
- Sleep Difficulties.
- Eating more or less food.
- Enuresis and Encopresis.
Examples of Freeze “Shut down” Behaviours.
- Isolate themselves
- Escape into fantasy, screens, and video games.
- Your child may zone out, not be quite here, and seem to be daydreaming.
What Can You Do?.
This a really difficult and challenging question for me to respond to; however, I truly believe we may not be able to change the situation we are in, but we can change our attitude to it. Alternatively, we can begin to understand the situation intellectually and develop supportive habits for your home life. Here are some ideas:
Be Deliberate and Intentional!
Schools have closed again, and you’ve had to make an urgent plan to manage work, home, and homeschooling. You’ve been here before; reflect on the following:
What worked, and what is working?
What is working well for you now in your parenting and family life? Let go of what isn’t fast. Otherwise, it just drains your energy.
Sometimes, bringing your focus and attention to the positive will help it grow! Write it down, then plan and discuss it with your family. Family meetings are a helpful intervention at all times but especially now.
What have you learned?
Reflect on what you learned last year about yourself as a parent, your children, and life. (HINT: Throughout my life, my mistakes and suffering that arose have been my biggest instigators for positive change). Each day set aside time to celebrate small wins.
Ensure You Have a Good Night’s Sleep!.
Sleep is equally as important as diet and exercise. During the first Lockdown, the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry published a paper that suggests the potential for sleep problems to emerge or worsen during and following the pandemic is high. The increasing use of screens and it Winter. Nature and technology will increasingly impact our Cicardium Rhythms. Developing healthy sleep hygiene is more important than ever to fighting viruses. For more on sleep help, click here.
Implement Child-Led, Play and Conversation.
When parents attend therapy, they often report challenging behaviours. Hence, the first intervention is focused on rebuilding a good relationship with the child. Sometimes the problem behaviour disappears when we offer child-led play or conversation for older children. Child-led play is specific; we need to allow them to choose what they want to do and follow their lead. Allow them control.
For older children, it’s less about playing than listening to them. Therefore, listen if your teenager wants to talk about football or a video game. Whatever you do, the time spent together makes them feel very special, seen, and attended to. I often recommend 10 minutes twice a week ( minimum) or longer conversation time for teenagers.
Develop Radical Self-Care Routines.
Recent research from an Article from the Berkley Centre of Greater Good Centre notes:
The presence of a calm adult can even reduce the levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, in a child’s body. In fact, supported exposure to manageable stress can be “inoculating,” helping children to be more resilient, whereas complete avoidance of stress undermines the development of resilience.
Will the Pandemic Have a Lasting Impact on My Kids?
Research on wars, natural disasters, and other crises reveals how to protect our children’s mental health.
BY DIANA DIVECHA | MAY 18, 2020
Nurturing, calming, grounding, and restful energy is what we need to cultivate for ourselves first and foremost at this time. For most of us who are self-quarantined in our homes, our challenge will be getting a hold of our thoughts and anxiety and balancing work and home life. These are trying times, so being mindful and incorporating mindful practices will enhance your well-being, build resilience, and help sustain you through this year. Don’t worry; it is not about being perfect all the time. Being mindful does not have to be complicated; you can:
- Go out into Nature ( We still can once a day).
- Meditate.
- Exercise.
- Breathe throughout the day.
- Be Creative.
- Create a self soothe Box ( great for teenagers).
- For more on this, click here.
In Conclusion
Whilst we can develop intellectual and emotional strategies for getting through the despair and lack of hope, there is something other that always holds my attention: “Will to Meaning” from Victor Frankl (Holocaust Survivor, Psychotherapist who developed Logotherapy).
Life is never made unbearable by circumstance, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.
Victor Frankl, Mans Search for Meaning
As you go forward, I wish for you to remain present, steady, and strong for yourself and those you care for.
You are all parenting in challenging and uncertain times. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for your commitment to your child’s and your family’s wellbeing. In addition, your willingness to keep growing and holding hope. Remember: parenting is hard work, and you all deserve support. And when it all starts to feel impossible, ask for help. If you need help and support, contact me for a consultation or to join my newsletter community. With Gratitude Catherine
