Many parents attend my clinic with difficulties surrounding divorce and separation. Parents can be confused and misunderstandings why they can’t be over it. In my experience, children take time to readjust.
I like to think divorce should not be seen as one event, but rather a long process in a child’s life before the divorce and continuing for years after. Children from families can successfully adjust – it does not mean your child will be disadvantaged. Research shows that family conflict during and after separation is stressful for children. It can lead to anxiety, withdrawal, and behaviour difficulties. We know how you are before and after the breakup will make a difference to your child. Many children I have worked with feel their feelings are not considered, and they have not been given proper explanations. This often left them feeling unloved and angry. You can’t improve or stop the pain, but you can do many things to help and manage the process.
Top Eight Tips to Manage Divorce
- If you can offer respect to your ex-partner, imagine your relationship is now more like a business partnership, it will help defuse conflict. Healthy breakups include negotiation and compromise.
- Do not blame or join in condemning the other partner; listen to what they say, and say how hard it is for them.
- It is usual for any child, whatever age, to have big feelings. They may feel it is their fault, but do tell them it is not their fault. It would help if you said this more than once, and I know this sounds obvious, but this is mainly at times of conflict.
- Do not assume they may be happy if you meet someone new. Make sure they know that you will continue to have a particular time with them. This will help any rivalries between your children and a new partner.
- They may be upset, angry, or anxious at this time, but they can be helped manage the ups and downs. They can readjust healthily within two years of separation.
- If appropriate, give your child time to settle with the idea and try not to change their home or school rapidly or if a spouse moves out too rapidly. Sometimes parents want to avoid the anger leaving ensues, but it helps to talk it through before leaving.
- Try not to make any further changes in the following two years. This will give them time to readjust.
- So keep talking if you can, even if it means doing it via email; it can take the sting away from face-to-face contact. If you want to stay connected with your child, write them letters. Do not blame the other parent.
In younger children, you may notice their feelings in behaviour, such as:
- Tummy aches
- Sleep problems
- School refusal
- Separation anxiety
- Anger
In teenagers, you may see:
- Angry and blaming the parent they live with
- Oppositional behaviour
- Lower academic achievement
- Increase alcohol and drug consumption
- Low moods.
Unfortunately, when parents seek advice from me, relationships have sadly, in the main, broken down. Research highlights that children exposed to chronic hostility have poorer educational outcomes, lower-paid employment, and are more at risk of alcohol and cigarette use. Children do better when they maintain close contact with both parents and have low conflict.
If you want to talk it through with a neutral party, you can contact someone like me or another professional for help. Post-divorce, I sometimes help parents with the difficulties of contact and improve relationships in blended families.
Be the parent you want to be, and try to take one action today to make your child feel safe, secure, and loved.
With love Catherine
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