It is perfectly normal for all children to go through periods where they may seem a bit shy and are anxious around strangers, or may show anxiety when they start a new club or school. “Stranger Danger” can begin between one and two, and then it often goes at about two and a half. Some children may show a bit of shyness after this time, but it usually dissipates when they go to school.
What is Social Anxiety?
Sometimes it is referred to as a Social Phobia. Some of the most common fears found in children with social anxiety include fears about performance situations, such as speaking or performing in front of people (e.g. musical recitals, plays, etc.), and social interactional fears, such as joining or starting a conversation and interacting with same-age peers.
Sometimes it is more generalised, so they:
- Find it difficult to start conversations with unknown children or adults
- Seem uncomfortable in groups and refuse to join in
- Cling to you in any new situation
Other times, it is focused on one specific fear and how they seem to others; they may:
- Avoid speaking in front of the class or other performance-related issues due to blushing
- Feel people are looking at them when they are eating.
- They do not want to go to public toilets, as they are embarrassed at the noise they make
- Worried, they may vomit in front of others.
How would you notice the anxiety?
Children show it in three ways:
Physiologically, they may flush and be hot. Your child may have many stomach aches and headaches and feel very sick. The symptoms may be intense before an event.
Behaviourally, they may be angry, irritable, or even have a meltdown.
Cognitively, they often worry about how they seem to others and react to situations as if they threaten them.
Shy versus Socially Anxious
Although being shy can be a precursor to social anxiety, there are marked differences between shyness and social anxiety.
Here are a few examples:
4. How to prevent Shyness from moving into Social Anxiety
1. All children are different; some may be more extroverted, and others may be more introverted and lack confidence. Help your child gain confidence in non-performance/social activities. Does your child enjoy something?
You may focus on building their self-esteem in that area, within one-to-one situations or tiny groups. Please encourage them to work with you around the home to promote self-confidence. Little jobs, such as helping make the bed and preparing food, can help.
2. Don’t allow your child to avoid social situations, name and label them to foster those essential connections in their cortical brain. Accept there may be a problem, and try to overcome it rather than work against it. You may want to say, “why don’t you stay here until you feel you can go and play with… When you are ready, let me know, and I will still be here.”
3. Avoid telling them they are shy, which worsens the situation. Give them prompts about what might be good to say, and help them practice problems with puppets or play people.
4. Ensure they have opportunities for play dates
Start with them developing play dates at home, allowing them to build confidence in other trusted homes, and then move to outside activities. It might be best not to give them too many outdoor activities; two is enough.
What can you do if your child suffers from social anxiety?
1. Educate
Ensure your child understands what anxiety is and what happens to them. Teach them relaxation and self-talk. For more, go to my blog section to read about Understanding Anxiety or attend my Stop the Worry Cycle workshop on November 30th.
Children will show many more somatic (physical symptoms) than adults. They may not know they are anxious or have not developed an emotional language. They are more likely to say they feel sick or have a headache.
3. Externalise the problem
4. Adjust your expectations
5. Help them find a buddy/friend
Many kids will tell me they’ll go to football practice, for example, but only if they know someone there. In addition, inform the coach if it is a team or club leader. Then you all know what to do if your child gets panicky.
6. Praise and be positive
When your child reaches a new step, praise, praise, praise and use this when there are struggles.
When does it become a disorder, and why do you need to be worried?
Generally, clinicians often assess the intensity of symptoms, the duration, and the story at which anxiety is interfering with everyday life. Why you need to be worried, anxiety disorders are the most common disorder in childhood and often go untreated. Anxiety can transition to depression later in life. Over half of all mental ill health starts by age 14, and 75% develops by age 18 (Murphy and Fonagy, 2012). We can prevent our children from suffering in later life; social anxiety does not just disappear.
Parenting is hard, and everyone needs support. Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook for all these tips. If you feel anxiety is not something you can manage on your own, attend my workshop to learn more. I also talk about the different types of anxiety, or contact me for a consultation. With Love Catherine
References:
Research Paper, Recent Findings in Social Phobia among Children and Adolescents
Carla A. Hitchcock, B.A., Research Associate,1 Denise A. Chavira, PhD, Assistant Professor, two and Murray B. Stein, M.D., M.P.H., F.R.C.P.C., Professor of Psychiatry3
Help for Worried Kids, Cynthia Last, PhD
