Is it all about the Relationship? Attachment Styles in Parenting

Everything in life is about relationship. Within ourselves, and between others. But more than anywhere else, it’s about the relationship between parents, or carers, and their children. That’s where it all really begins.

Yes, it’s all about the relationship. A child’s attachment style is shaped largely by the care they receive in those early years. But it’s not the whole picture. Temperament, genetics, our own upbringing, all of it plays a part too.

Why attachment matters so much

More than 1 million new neural connections form every second in a baby’s first few years. Social interaction shapes the developing brain, and shapes how we function emotionally for the rest of our lives. As the psychoanalyst Peter Fonagy put it, the brain is a social organ. Not just physical. Our minds, our emotions, are organised through connection with other minds, not in isolation. Human infants are among the least hard-wired in the animal kingdom, and among the most shaped by experience.

What is attachment?

John Bowlby, the first attachment theorist, called it a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings. He believed the earliest bonds a child forms shape them for life. And he saw attachment as three things: a system present from birth, a survival function, and something your child actively takes part in, not just receives.

The different attachment styles

Secure attachment

When caring is good enough, your child senses you’re available and responsive. That builds trust. They come to see the world as safe. Something like: when something happens, my parent knows what to do and helps me feel better. I am safe. My parent understands me. I am wanted, and I am capable.

Insecure attachment

When caring hasn’t been good enough, and this is genuinely not your fault, trauma, low mood, hard circumstances, or patterns passed down from your own parents can all play a part, it feels different to an infant: when things happen, my parent shouts and doesn’t know what to do. I don’t feel better, and I can’t help myself feel better either. My parent is frightened, and so am I. Is this my fault?

Three types of insecure attachment. Avoidant, the child learns to meet their own needs rather than seek support. Ambivalent, the child seeks support but doesn’t know what to do with it once it arrives. Disorganised, responses become unpredictable, with real difficulty managing distress.

What each attachment style tends to look like

A securely attached child tends to have good self-esteem, recognise others’ needs, trust close relationships, manage transitions with real resilience. This style feels rewarding to be around. They cna feel:

When something happens, my parent knows what to do and soothes me, I am safe, and I know how to comfort myself,
My parent understands me, and I am worthwhile/wanted; I am capable and lovable.

An avoidantly attached child can seem highly anxious underneath a surface of indifference. Compulsively self-reliant, “I don’t need anyone.” Emotionally distant, prone to occasional bursts of anger. Easy to overlook, since on the surface things can look fine. They might feel:

When things happen, my parent shouts and does not know what to do. I don’t feel better, and I can’t help myself feel better.
My parent is frightened, and I am scared too. Is it my fault, or am I wrong?

An ambivalently attached child often seems anxious and helpless. Seeks attention persistently, swings between clinging and rejecting, “go away, but don’t leave me.” Constant chatter, poor concentration, quick to blame. This one can feel genuinely exhausting to parent.

A disorganised child may feel fundamentally unworthy of care, fearful of adults, presenting a facade of defiance that covers real terror underneath. Controlling behaviour often masks a deep fear of dependence. This one can feel like a constant battle, and it’s often the hardest to parent.

Insecure attachment isn’t a disorder in itself, it’s a risk factor. And I hear this constantly in my clinic, parents wondering if their child has ADHD, or is simply naughty, when often what’s happening is a child using survival strategies to manage stress they don’t yet have the tools for. This is why I so often start by calming the limbic system first, yours and theirs, before anything else can shift.

Attachment isn’t necessarily fixed

More recent thinking, and I find Dr Patricia Crittenden’s work particularly useful here, suggests attachment is more adaptive than the original model implied. Children don’t necessarily have just one fixed style. It can be more fluid, sometimes a different default pattern at school than at home.

Six things that help build a more secure attachment

The good news: the brain remains plasdid, capable of change throughout life. New neurons can form. Existing pathways can adapt, right into adulthood.

1. Regulate yourself first, and understand your own attachment style.

Parenting a child with insecure attachment is genuinely hard. Look after your own capacity to stay calm. Seek support where you need it. And be honest with yourself, was your own attachment to your parents secure? None of this is about blame. It’s about understanding the pattern so you can start to shift it.

2. Ensure safety first.

Until your child’s limbic system feels calm, they won’t feel safe, and they’ll keep trying to control their environment as a result. Safety, physical and emotional, has to come before anything else.

3. Connect.

Offer dedicated one to one time. Your child may reject it at first. Gently keep offering anyway, and hold in mind how hard it can genuinely be for an insecurely attached child to let love in, even when they want it. I write more about this kind of dedicated time in Special Time: How 15 Minutes a Day Can Deepen Your Connection

4. Give your child specific, positive messages.

Get close, use eye contact. Use targeted praise, something your child can’t argue with. “You’ve been good” is easy to dismiss. “I liked how you helped me put those plates away” isn’t, it’s specific and true.

5. Keep routines and structure clear.

Children with insecure attachment often struggle particularly with change and transition. Clear rules, realistic limits, consistent routines. Tell your child what to expect. A simple visual list before school helps. If something’s going to change, give as much warning as you can.

6. Use consequences rather than punishment.

Stay calm when things go wrong. Give yourself time to think rather than reaching for an instant, unrealistic punishment. My blog 8 Tips on How to Use Consequences Effectively goes into this properly. Children with attachment difficulties can feel a strange power in provoking your anger, not because they want it, but because it lets them focus on your reaction rather than sit with what they’ve done. A few calm one-liners help you sidestep the argument: “We’ll talk about this once the big feelings have cooled down.” “Sorry you feel that way, there’s nothing I can do about it right now, but let’s talk later.” “That wasn’t a good choice. I know you’re trying hard. Tomorrow’s a new day, do you want some help with this?”

Parenting is complex. There are many reasons behind challenging behaviour. None of it means it’s your fault. None of it means it can’t change.

Interested in working with me?

If you would like more tailored support for your child or family, I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, therapeutic parenting support for parents, and training and consultation for professionals working with children and families. Please do get in touch if you would like to find out more.

You can reach me via my contact page.

Free resources

Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.

Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments. This one is really appropriate for thinking about attachment more.

When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.

All free to download.

References

Gerhardt, S. Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby’s Brain.

Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University.

And if you would like occasional guidance and support straight to your inbox, you are very welcome to join my newsletter.

With warmth,
Catherine

References:

Sue Gerhardt, Why Love Matters, How affection shapes a baby’s brain

Positive Psychology Program Attachment Theory in Adults and Children