As parents, we often find ourselves navigating our children’s big emotions, searching the internet, and reading countless books filled with parenting strategies. Yet, many of these techniques don’t seem to work as we hope, that’s often when parents make an appointment to see me. One of the reasons may be: The often-overlooked skill of emotional containment—the ability to stay calm and present while helping our children process their feelings.
This article is the first of the year dedicated to the power of emotional regulation in parenting. Let’s explore why containment matters and how it can transform the way we support our children through life’s ups and downs
What Is Emotional Containment?
The term comes from psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion, who explained how babies learn to regulate emotions through their caregivers. I came across this theory over nearly two decades ago whilst training in the Solihull Approach which integrates some of his and other psychoanalysts theories.
Bion described how a caregiver (mostly but not exclusively the mother) helps a baby manage overwhelming emotions by “containing” them. This means:
- When a baby experiences distress (e.g., hunger, fear, frustration), they express it through crying or fussing.
- The caregiver receives this distress, processes it with emotional stability, and responds in a soothing way.
- This helps the baby feel understood and safe, teaching them over time how to regulate their own emotions.
Most of us are familiar with physical soothing—hugging, rocking, and cuddling a child. But as they grow, emotional soothing becomes just as important.
Why Emotional Containment Matters in Parenting
A behaviour management intervention is unlikely to work without emotional containment because children need to feel safe, understood, and co-regulated before they can process and respond to guidance. Here’s why:
Emotional Regulation Comes Before Behaviour Change
If a child is emotionally overwhelmed, their brain is in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode—they’re not thinking rationally. Without containment, they can’t access the higher brain functions needed to understand rules, consequences, or logical explanations.
Example: If a child is having a big feeling moment and a parent shouts and immediately enforces a consequence the child may feel rejected rather than supported. Without emotional containment (“I see you’re really upset. Let’s take a moment together”), they can’t process the learning.
Without emotional containment, behaviour interventions feel punitive rather than supportive. Do read more in my other article on Punishment versus Positive Discipline here
When parents practice emotional containment, children:
- Learn self-regulation – They develop the ability to manage emotions rather than being ruled by them.
- Feel safe and understood – A contained response reassures a child that their feelings are okay.
- Build resilience – Instead of avoiding or suppressing emotions, they learn how to process them healthily.
- Develop a Secure Attachment: A child who feels emotionally “contained” by a parent is more likely to develop a secure attachment, leading to better mental well-being.
- Feel Reduced Anxiety: When a parent reacts with panic or frustration, the child may feel unsafe. Containing emotions helps a child feel reassured and lowers their stress levels.
Without containment, children may feel overwhelmed by their own emotions, leading to anxiety, aggression, or withdrawal.
How to Practice Emotional Containment
1. Stay Calm – Your child looks to you as their emotional anchor. Take a deep breath before responding to their big feelings.
2. Validate, Don’t Dismiss – Instead of saying, “Stop crying,” try, “I see that you’re upset. I’m here for you.” This teaches that emotions are normal and safe.
3. Reflect Their Feelings – Show that you understand: “It sounds like you’re really frustrated because your tower fell down.” This helps them name emotions.
4. Set Boundaries with Empathy – Containment doesn’t mean letting go of boundaries. You can say, “I know there is anger right now, but hitting isn’t okay. Let’s find another way to express this when things calm down”.
Compassion Alert!!
Pretty much all the parents I work with in private practice feel the pressure for getting it right. There is so much information online and on social media. Remember, it is about being good enough and not perfect.
So don’t forget to keep the door to your own heart open. Sometimes we lose the key to open the door so remember, you are enough.
This pressure often makes it even harder to offer containment. The good news is that containment is a skill—one that parents can develop with practice and self-compassion. Here are some ways to strengthen your own emotional containment:
How can you start to Practice Containment
Take a pause– And tend to your own emotions first. Generally most interactions are not a safety issue. Therefore taking five minutes out will help. Remember to let your child know that you will be doing this in advance and that you will return. I work with many anxious children who become more anxious when their parent leaves them.
Repair-Repair is the process of reconnecting and making things right after a rupture.A rupture is any moment when a child feels disconnected, hurt, or misunderstood by a parent. This can be caused by:
- Yelling or speaking harshly
- Dismissing their feelings
- Being distracted when they need attention
- A disagreement or conflict
It helps the child feel secure again and teaches them that relationships can survive conflicts. Repair can look like:
- Apologising sincerely (“I’m sorry I yelled. there was frustration, but that wasn’t fair to you.”)
- Acknowledging their feelings (“I see that made you upset. That wasn’t my intention.”)
- Offering comfort (a hug, a kind gesture, or quality time together)
- Explaining calmly (“Sometimes there is overwhelm but I love you, and I want us to work through this together.”)
Checking in with yourself – Ask, What am I feeling right now? Am I reacting from stress or truly responding to my child?
Practising self-compassion – Remind yourself: I don’t have to be perfect, just present.
Let go of guilt or shame– We all make mistakes, no one is perfect. If there was anger or fear, go back and repair it with your child. This teaches them it is fine to make mistakes and learn how to say sorry.
Change your mindset-Instead of seeing meltdowns as failures, view them as chances to practice containment. Ask yourself: What can I model for my child in this moment? How can I help them feel safe, even when emotions are big?
Restrengthen your relationship: All the evidence base in parenting programmes, starts with this. Check out my other article on Play and Special Time.
Don’t do it all alone-seek help with from someone like myself or join parenting group.
When to be worried and seek help
As a parent, it is beneficial to consider the three D’s when evaluating the need for assistance. If your child’s behaviour is affecting their daily life, it may be necessary for them to seek help from a licensed therapist like myself.
1.Distress
In what ways is your child experiencing difficulties and distress. Do they have daily meltdowns, show distress and/or physical symptoms, and how severe are their symptoms?
2. Duration
For how long has this been happening? It is common for this to be a phase, but if you believe your child is not outgrowing it, it is advisable to seek assistance. It may develop into a problem within half a year, but the intensity and interference with daily activities could manifest sooner.
3. Disruption
Are these symptoms significantly impacting both your family and their ability to live a normal life? Is the issue hindering their daily tasks, such as struggling to focus in school or avoiding beloved hobbies and activities?
Final Reflection: Awareness and Progress Not Perfection
Being a contained parent doesn’t mean never getting upset, irritated, or angry—it means learning to pause, regulate, and repair when needed. Each moment you practice containment, you’re giving your child the greatest gift: a model for emotional resilience. It is the same of children, learning takes time.
If you’re looking for therapeutic parenting guidance, or help for your child, please don’t hesitate to contact me for a consultation. I’m here to help both you and your child navigate these challenges. Additionally, if you’re involved with a school or charity, I’m available to conduct workshops on Positive Discipline and more. Set some new years intentions for 2025. With Gratitude Catherine
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