Holding Big Feelings: The Power of Containment

As parents, we often find ourselves navigating our children’s big emotions, searching the internet, and reading countless books filled with parenting strategies. Yet, many of these techniques don’t seem to work as we hope, that’s often when parents make an appointment to see me. One of the reasons may be: The often-overlooked skill of emotional containment. The ability to stay calm and present while helping our children process their feelings.

This article is the first of the year dedicated to the power of emotional regulation in parenting. Let’s explore why containment matters and how it can transform the way we support our children through life’s ups and downs.

What Is Emotional Containment?

The term comes from psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion, who explained how babies learn to regulate emotions through their caregivers. I came across this theory over nearly two decades ago whilst training in the Solihull Approach which integrates some of his and other psychoanalysts theories.

Bion described how a caregiver (mostly but not exclusively the mother) helps a baby manage overwhelming emotions by “containing” them. This means:

When a baby experiences distress (e.g., hunger, fear, frustration), they express it through crying or fussing.
The caregiver receives this distress, processes it with emotional stability, and responds in a soothing way.
This helps the baby feel understood and safe, teaching them over time how to regulate their own emotions.

Most of us are familiar with physical soothing—hugging, rocking, and cuddling a child. But as they grow, emotional soothing becomes just as important.

Why Emotional Containment Matters in Parenting

A behaviour management intervention is unlikely to work without emotional containment because children need to feel safe, understood, and co-regulated before they can process and respond to guidance. Here’s why:

Emotional Regulation Comes Before Behaviour Change

If a child is emotionally overwhelmed, their brain is in a threat response.They’re not thinking rationally. Without containment, they can’t access the higher brain functions needed to understand rules, consequences, or logical explanations. I cover more here in my free guide Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain. This explains what is happening in your child’s brain when big feelings take over and why containment works

Example: If a child is having a big feeling moment and a parent shouts and immediately enforces a consequence the child may feel rejected rather than supported. Without emotional containment (“I see you’re really upset. Let’s take a moment together”), they can’t process the learning.

When parents practice emotional containment, children:

Learn self-regulation – They develop the ability to manage emotions rather than being ruled by them.
Feel safe and understood – A contained response reassures a child that their feelings are okay.
Build resilience – Instead of avoiding or suppressing emotions, they learn how to process them healthily.
Develop a Secure Attachment: A child who feels emotionally “contained” by a parent is more likely to develop a secure attachment, leading to better mental well-being.

Feel Reduced Anxiety: When a parent reacts with panic or frustration, the child may feel unsafe. Containing emotions helps a child feel reassured and lowers their stress levels.

How to practise emotional containment

Without containment, children may feel overwhelmed by their own emotions, leading to anxiety, aggression, or withdrawal.

Stay calm. Your child looks to you as their emotional anchor. Take a breath before responding.

Validate rather than dismiss. Instead of stop crying, try I can see you are really upset. I am here. That simple shift teaches children that their feelings are safe and manageable.

Reflect what you see. It sounds like you are really frustrated because that is not working. Naming the feeling helps them begin to understand it.

Hold the boundary with empathy. Containment does not mean anything goes. I can see there is a lot of anger right now and hitting is not okay. I am going to help you find another way when things calm down.

Containment is a skill and it develops with practice and self compassion. I cover it in much more depth, including how to repair when things go wrong, in my free guide Holding in the Storm.

How to start practising containment

Take a pause. Tend to your own emotions first. Most interactions are not a safety issue, so taking five minutes to regulate yourself before responding makes a real difference. If your child is anxious, let them know in advance that you will step away briefly and that you will come back.

Repair. When ruptures happen, and they will, go back. A simple and sincere acknowledgement is enough. I am sorry I lost my temper. That was not fair on you. I love you. Repair teaches children that relationships can bend without breaking and that it is safe to make mistakes and come back from them.

Check in with yourself. Am I reacting from stress right now or genuinely responding to my child? That one question can shift everything.

You do not have to do this alone. If things feel stuck, support is available.

I cover all of this in much more depth in my free guide Holding in the Storm which is free to download and written specifically for parents navigating exactly these moments.

Final Reflection: Awareness and Progress Not Perfection

Being a contained parent doesn’t mean never getting upset, irritated, or angry—it means learning to pause, regulate, and repair when needed. Each moment you practice containment, you’re giving your child the greatest gift: a model for emotional resilience. It is the same of children, learning takes time.

Interested in working with me?

If you are looking for therapeutic parenting guidance, or support for your child, please do get in touch. I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, therapeutic support for parents, and training for schools and organisations.

You can reach me via my contact page.

Free resources

Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s brain when big feelings take over and why containment works.

Holding in the Storm goes deeper into containment, repair, and staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.

When Darkness Comes for support with big feelings and anxiety at night.

All free to download.