Anger gets a bad press, which leaves many parents unsure how to handle it well. Being angry is not bad, in itself. Sometimes there are excellent reasons to feel angry or frustrated, and the goal is never to stop your child feeling it, only to help them find somewhere safe to put it. Tantrums and anger outbursts are genuinely exhausting for both of you, and children often struggle with anger simply because they do not yet have the words, or the tools, to let big feelings out any other way.
If you would like to understand more about what is happening underneath your child’s anger, my blog Anger, Meltdowns and Tantrums: Navigating Emotional Storms covers that in depth. Here, I want to offer something different: five simple, hands-on tools you can try together, right in the moment.
1. Play the feelings game
Children manage feelings far better once they have language for them, and that takes practice and plenty of gentle repetition from us. A simple feelings mirror game works well: say a feeling word and see if your child can show you what it looks like on their face, then swap, and you show them one too.
You can also find printable feeling faces online, or draw your own together. Ask your child to point to the face that matches how they feel, or to tell you about a time they felt like one of the faces. Be warm and encouraging about whatever they choose, even if it is not quite the word you would pick, there is no wrong answer here, only practice. Once things are calm, gently talk through the moment they got frustrated or angry, helping them name the feeling and understand which of their responses to it were okay, and which were not.
2. Create a big feelings tent
A small pop-up tent with a soft cushion inside, somewhere any family member can retreat to and calm down, works surprisingly well as a physical space for big feelings. As a rough guide, allow around one minute of time in there for every year of your child’s age before checking in.
3. Bite into a carrot
Sometimes it genuinely helps to bite into something. The physical act of biting down can be a simple, safe outlet for a surge of anger, and a raw carrot is a perfectly good tool for the job.
4. Bang it out on a drum
A drum, or any safe surface that makes a satisfying noise, gives your child somewhere physical to put the energy of anger, rather than holding it in or turning it on people or things around them.
5. Blow it out with a party popper
Blowing hard, whether through a party popper or simply blowing out hard through pursed lips, naturally slows the breath and helps calm the body’s stress response. It also tends to bring a bit of lightness back into a tense moment.
Building your own self soothe toolkit
There are plenty of other options worth trying too: ripping up old tissue paper, or squashing and shaping clay. Many families find it helps to put a few of these together in a box and call it the angry tools box, so it is ready and visible whenever it is needed, rather than something you have to think of in the heat of the moment.
This works alongside a self-soothe box just as well, a small collection of calming items, a soft toy, a scented item, a photo, something to squeeze, kept somewhere your child can reach easily. Where the angry tools box gives big feelings somewhere active to go, a self-soothe box works the other way, helping your child settle and come back down afterwards. Having both ready means you are covering the whole arc of a big feeling, from the surge of it to the calm that follows.
These tools help enormously, but they work alongside boundaries and consequences, not instead of them. Giving your child a safe way to let anger out does not mean removing the limits around what they can and cannot do while angry, both matter, together.
Interested in working with me?
If you would like more tailored support for your child or family, I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, therapeutic parenting support for parents, and training and consultation for professionals working with children and families. Please do get in touch if you would like to find out more.
You can reach me via my contact page.
Free resources
Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.
Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.
When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.
All free to download.
Related reading
Anger, Meltdowns and Tantrums: Navigating Emotional Storms
When Tempers Flare: Understanding Your Child’s Aggression
Why Talking to Children in Hot Moments Does Not Help
Externalising: It’s the Behaviour, Not Your Child
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With Warmth
Catherine
