It’s completely normal for teenagers to experience worry or anxiety; it’s a typical part of growing up. However, many parents who come to my private practice are often surprised to learn that their teenager is dealing with separation anxiety. In this blog post, I’ll explain the symptoms of this condition and offer some tips to support your teenager now.
What is separation anxiety
Separation anxiety in teenagers is a condition where a young person experiences excessive fear or anxiety about being apart from home or from those to whom they have a strong emotional attachment, like parents or close family members. It’s more commonly recognised in younger children, but parents often don’t think it can also affect adolescents, especially during pivotal transitions or stressful periods.
Understanding why your teenager may be anxious
Teenage years are marked by significant developmental changes that can sometimes contribute to the emergence or intensification of separation anxiety. Understanding these developmental cycles can help parents recognise why separation anxiety might occur during adolescence. Here are some key developmental stages and transitions that might trigger separation anxiety in teenagers:
Physical, brain and emotional changes
- Puberty: During puberty, teenagers go through big physical and brain changes. These changes can make them feel more emotional and less sure of themselves. They may also worry more about being away from their parents or other people they trust.
- Cognitive Development: Teenagers develop advanced cognitive abilities, including the capacity for abstract thinking. This allows them to contemplate complex scenarios about the future, including potential negative outcomes. Such developments can lead to increased worry about the unknown or about being separated from safety nets like family.
- Emotional Development: Teenagers want more independence, but also want to feel safe and secure with their parents. This conflict can cause anxiety as they learn to be independent, but still need comfort from their parents.
Social Pressures
- Social Development: Teenagers are increasingly influenced by their peers and begin to spend more time with friends and less with family. This shift can induce anxiety as they manage peer relationships and face social challenges without immediate parental support.
- Identity Formation: Adolescence is a critical period for identity development. Teenagers are figuring out who they are separate from their family, which can sometimes feel overwhelming or scary. Doubts about their ability to function independently can lead to increased separation anxiety.
- Educational and Career Decisions: Teenagers face pressure making decisions about higher education and career paths as they take exams and approach the end of senior school. The prospect of leaving home for college or starting a job can trigger fears about separation and coping alone in new environments.
Family Difficulties:
- Divorce, a recent bereavement, and your teenagers worries about your mental health can contribute to separation anxiety.
Each of these developmental stages involves transitions that require teenagers to adjust to new roles and expectations. These adjustments can be stressful and may trigger or increase separation anxiety. Understanding these cycles can help parents provide appropriate support and guidance to help their teenagers navigate these challenges more effectively.
How might parents identify signs of separation anxiety in their teenager
Parents might notice several signs and symptoms that could indicate their teenager is experiencing separation anxiety, including:
- Excessive Distress: This might occur when anticipating or experiencing separation from home or loved ones. The teenager might express extreme fear or dread about being alone or away from family.
- Persistent Worry: They may constantly worry about possible harm befalling their loved ones while they are apart, or fear that something will lead to a permanent separation.
- Reluctance or refusal to go out: Teenagers with separation anxiety may resist or refuse to go to school, sleepovers, or any activity that involves being away from their familiar environment or caregivers.
- Physical Symptoms: These can include headaches, stomachaches, nausea, or vomiting, which often intensify as the time of separation approaches.
- Difficulty Sleeping Alone: The teen may insist on sleeping with or near a parent or sibling, or express fear about sleepovers.
- Clinginess: Increased dependency on parents or caregivers is common, where the teenager may follow them around, need constant reassurance, or struggle with independence.
- Panic Attacks: In some cases, anxiety may trigger panic attacks, which can include symptoms like rapid heartbeat, sweating etc.
- Emotionally Based School Avoidance: Some teenagers not only refuse to engage with social situations but additionally start to miss days from school. EBSA can be complex, but separation anxiety can be a factor.
Tip: Separation anxiety can look like social anxiety. Check out my other article to compare.
General Tips to help now:
Talking always helps, but your teen may not want to. So sometimes I agree but say I will talk about it later with you because I am worried about you and want to help. Reflect on what may be going on in the family or at school. Divorce, bereavements, parental mental health can all contribute to separation anxiety.
Encourage your child to open up by talking about what you notice
Choose a calm, comfortable time when you’re unlikely to be interrupted. You can start by sharing a personal story of a time when you felt anxious, which shows that everyone experiences these feelings and they are nothing to be ashamed of. Use age-appropriate language to explain what anxiety is, perhaps comparing it to taking exams or entering into sports,
You could then start by telling me about a recent time when you saw your child is nervous. Teenagers often worry about new social situations and when they will leave you to go to senior school, college, or university.
Acknowledge Fears and Worries About Separating From You
Acknowledge and validate your teenager’s feelings They are very real for your child even if you find them hard to understand.
Rather than telling them “don’t worry”, or “that won’t happen”, let them know you’ve heard and understood them. Let them know you will work through the worries together.
Give your teenager special time to help them feel safe and seen
It is crucial to make time for uninterrupted moments away from stress and the hustle of daily life. Take a moment to arrange an activity to do together (such as playing cards, getting a smoothie, or playing a game and or doing some sports together). One parent I know is dedicating 30 minutes to reading a story aloud. Select something that you can commit to doing at least once a week for a brief period of about 30 minutes. This also helps to prevent unconscious secondary gain.
Sit down and write a list of all their strengths
It is crucial for both you and them to keep in mind.
Helping them by being more independent and confident by doing small things at home
Participating in independent activities is highly beneficial for teenagers, as it boosts their confidence and self-esteem. Below is a list of activities that some of the parents I work with have encouraged their children to do at home. Furthermore, use words to motivate your child. Adolescents frequently lack self-confidence and self-esteem when they are feeling anxious.
- Taking the dog for a walk
- Hoovering
- Cooking
- Making their bed
- Loading the dishwasher
- Going to buy bread, milk, or groceries at the local shop.
- Doing their washing
- Cleaning the car
- Mowing the lawn
Use a Gradual Approach
To help your child manage their anxiety, start by explaining that their anxiety is like a bully trying to control them. Assure them that together, you can manage it with a plan. Sit down together and create a list of anxiety-provoking situations related to your teenagers avoidance. You can use the ladder of sucess anology. Arrange these in order from the least to most anxiety-provoking. This ladder serves as a framework, ensuring that your adolescent confronts their anxieties in a gradual and manageable manner.
Teach them about the stress response and how to manage negative thoughts. There is further information in my article Talking helps: How to explain anxiety to children.
Tips for success
Allow your child to make their own choices when it comes to adding tasks to their ladder. If they require assistance, you can offer some suggestions, but ultimately, let your child have the final say. It is important for your child to feel involved and empowered in this process, and to have a sense of agency in managing their anxiety.
Before you start, teach your child some strategies for managing their anxiety. Strategies like deep breathing exercises, positive affirmations, or zones of regulation can help your child get through challenging situations.
Allow your child to fully grasp each step of the ladder before moving on to the next one. This may require multiple attempts, ranging from one to 100, to overcome any anxiety associated with the step. It is important to progress at your child’s comfortable pace.
Be a good role model. Children learn so much from us. Consider what you say and how you behave when you become anxious. It might help to work through your own step ladder at the same time as your child. Choose something simple that they can see you working on.
Manage Reassurance
As parents, our instinct is to protect our children from discomfort and distress. When our child expresses anxiety or fear, our immediate response is often to reassure them. We might say things like, “Don’t worry” or “Everything will be okay.” Sometimes that’s all you need to do. I get it. All parents just want to protect them. But only using reassurance as a tool might not always help with their anxiety in the long run. You can read my previous blog for more help in managing reassurance.
Be Patient
It can be difficult when your adolescent experiences anxiety when they are not with you due to a lack of feeling safe. It is crucial to keep in mind that feeling secure may require time. As a consequence, they cannot easily snap out of it.
How do we distinguish between normal separation anxiety in teens and a more serious problem: separation anxiety disorder?
In younger children, it is normal to be away from mum and dad, but as your child gets older, you would expect that they become more comfortable in being independent and away from you. For example seeing friends, doing social activities, etc. On the other hand, children with separation anxiety disorder display a distinct behavior pattern and often struggle to participate in typical social activities and daily routines.
Breaking the Cycle
Example: The Cycle of Separation Anxiety in a Teenager
Remember anxiety affects our thoughts, body and emotions and behaviour.
Thoughts: Imagine a teenager named Alex who is invited to a weekend camping trip with friends. As the trip approaches, Alex starts to think, “What if something bad happens to my mom while I’m gone? What if she needs me and I’m not there?” These thoughts are characterised by excessive worry about separation and the well-being of a loved one.
Emotional Response: These worrying thoughts trigger intense feelings of anxiety and fear in Alex. The emotional response is disproportionate to the actual situation but feels very real and overwhelming to Alex.
Behaviours: Due to the overwhelming anxiety and fear, Alex decides to avoid the situation altogether by making up an excuse to not go on the camping trip. As a consequence, he then starts to become agressive if his parents want to talk about it and refuses to discuss it with them at all.Hence, this behavior is a direct response to the initial anxious thoughts and feelings.
Reinforcement: By choosing not to go, Alex feels a temporary relief from the anxiety. This relief reinforces the avoidance behaviour, making it more likely that Alex will avoid similar situations in the future.
Continuation of the Cycle: The next time a similar situation arises, Alex is even more likely to respond in the same way—by avoiding it. This avoidance then continues to feed the initial fearful thoughts, strengthening the cycle of separation anxiety.
To help a teenager like Alex, it’s important for parents to recognise these patterns and gently encourage behaviours that confront, rather than avoid, the anxiety-inducing situations. This might involve setting small, manageable exposure goals that increase Alex’s tolerance for separation gradually, while also working on strategies to manage the anxious thoughts and feelings that arise during these challenges.
How do we distinguish between normal separation anxiety in teens and a more serious problem: separation anxiety disorder?
In younger children, it is normal to be away from mum and dad, but as your child gets older, you would expect that they will become more comfortable in being independent and away from you. For example, seeing friends, doing social activities, etc. On the other hand, children who are diagnosed with separation anxiety disorder demonstrate a distinct set of actions and may face considerable difficulties while trying to participate in typical social activities and daily routines.
When to be worried: Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD)
Try to Remember the three D’s:
1.Distress
In what ways is your child experiencing difficulties and distress. Do they have daily meltdowns, show distress and/or physical symptoms, and how severe are their symptoms?
2. Duration
For how long has this been happening? It is common for this to be a phase, but if you believe your child is not outgrowing it, it is advisable to seek assistance. It may develop into a problem within half a year, but the intensity and interference with daily activities could manifest sooner.
3. Disruption
Are these symptoms significantly impacting both your family and their ability to live a normal life? Is the issue hindering their daily tasks, such as struggling to go to school, go out with friends and do social activities and groups?
Access help for your teenager’s separation anxiety
As a parent, you have a natural intuition (trust your gut) about your child and can detect when their separation anxiety is hindering them from fully embracing life.
Don’t hesitate to seek help from a mental health professional if you can see that your child is stuck in a cycle of anxiety. Remember it is a myth children grow out of anxiety.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and thank you for your commitment to the well-being of your child and your family and for your willingness to keep learning and growing. Remember: parenting is hard work.
Seek help and support if you want to change it. Contact me for a consultation or to organise a workshop for your education community or friends. With Gratitude, Catherine
