Easy Words to Avoid Power Struggles

Do you get fed up with asking your child to do things, often resulting in many daily power struggles? Did you know that on average, a child may hear up to 17 commands an hour ( Carolyn Webster Stratton, The Incredible Years), and in families with more behaviour issues, it can rise to 40?

How many times a day do you catch yourself saying “NO”, “DON’T”, or “STOP IT”? Unfortunately, excessive commands lead to an escalation in behavioural difficulties and an increase in low self-esteem.

Here are several pitfalls in using this type of language.

Common Pitfalls of saying “No” and “Don’t” all the time

  1. You might not know that “NO” and “DON’T” words confuse children. Children have to double-process what you may be asking. “NO” and “DONT” are generic words, not clear to a child, and don’t explain anything, so they will have to reflect on the following:

What does mummy/daddy not want me to do?

How does she/ he want to do it instead?

Be Clear, what do you want them to do!

2. Constantly saying “NO” can be discouraging if this increases to 40 an hour. Reduce the number of commands, focus on the top three and work one at a time. If you don’t, you are at risk of shame response; your child may start to feel as if they are ” bad”, and you will probably feel guilty too. Every parent wants their child to have an empowered perception of their sense of self.

3. It reinforces the negative behaviour by drawing attention to it even more! Your child hears what you don’t want them to do. For example, what do you think she thinks if you tell your child to stop playing with your food? Likely, she will continue to focus on playing with her food, as you have drawn attention to it.

Positive Words to Avoid Power Struggles

Although we can’t eradicate the use of “NO”, “STOP”, or “DON’T”, Using ” DO” commands will be more instructive and ultimately more encouraging. You may have to practice a little bit, but it will get easier as you do.

Some examples of “Do” Commands

Deliver your commands in a bold statement rather than questions. For example :

Rather than “Don’t run around”, say:

“Use your walking feet slowly around the house”

Rather than, “Dont eat with your mouth open”

Please try and help your lips touch each other when you eat”

Find ways of Saying “Yes” to prevent power struggles

Instead of saying, I dont have time to play with you today, you could say

I really want to play with you, do you want play tomorrow or at your special time, what would like to do?

Stop splashing

Keep the water inside the bath, thank you

Use Role Play to show them how to be!

Children love to dress up and play. Why don’t you use a role-playing party? This may help your children practice what you want them to do differently. Make it fun, do a party invite for ” table manners”, “getting out in the morning”, etc. Practice eating and sitting at the table ( bottoms on seats). Let it be fun! You could draw an invitation as I have below.

I hope you find this helpful. Parenting is hard, and we don’t have a manual. Remember, small habits count; yes, it takes practice and thought. If you like this, like my Facebook page and need help, contact me for a consultation. With Love Always Catherine

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