Back to School: Anxiety,Transitions and How to Help

Going back to school. It sounds simple. It rarely feels it. Does it?

For some children it is exciting. For others it is something much harder to name. And for many it is both at once, that particular mix of looking forward to it and quietly dreading it at the same time.

I feel for you, wherever you are in this. I have been through all of these transitions as a parent. Yes, I am that old. Primary, secondary, university and work. Some went smoothly. Others had big bumps along the way and needed a lot of patience, a lot of support, and a lot of working through together. Not just from me but from the people around us too. That is the reality of it and I think it helps to say so.

Transitions ( comings and goings) are part of life. We cannot always control them or make them easy. But we can help our children feel less alone inside them. And that, more than anything, is what this is about.

This is for all of you. Whether your child is starting school for the first time, moving up a year, heading to secondary, or leaving for university,

What you might notice as school becomes closer

Children rarely say I am worried about going back to school. They show it.

Clinginess, sleep disruption, tummy aches, sudden aggression, regression to younger behaviour, going quiet, refusing food. These are not naughty. They are a nervous system trying to manage something big in the only way it knows how.

Teenagers show it differently. Irritability, withdrawal, refusing to engage, not wanting to go back. Underneath is often the same thing. Uncertainty about what is coming and whether they will be okay.

It is also worth remembering that children can have mixed feelings. They may want to move on and also feel sad about leaving what was familiar and safe. Both things can be true at once.

And some children struggle with yearly transitions even after settling well the first time. Social anxiety, an insecure attachment style, ADHD, or learning difficulties that bring shame and avoidance can all make the start of each new year feel hard regardless of how the last one went. If that is your child, you are not doing anything wrong. They just need more support, more consistently.

Before you do anything practical, wonder out loud

Most children cannot tell you what they are worried about. The feeling lives in the body before it reaches language. So instead of asking what is wrong, try wondering out loud. Gently, without pressure, always when things are calm rather than at the door on the first morning back.

I wonder if it feels a bit strange thinking about going back.
Maybe it feels a bit different this year.
Could it be that you are missing how the summer felt?

Being wrong does not matter. If they correct you, that is a perfect outcome. They have just told you something they could not have found the words for on their own.

If you would like to understand more about why children struggle to name their feelings and what is happening in their nervous system, my free guide Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain is a good place to start.

Connection before the new term

One of the most useful things you can do in the last week or two of the holidays is simply spend time together. Not organised activities or days out necessarily, just unhurried time. Following their lead, being present, letting them feel close to you before the separation comes.

This matters for teenagers too, even if they would never ask for it and might roll their eyes if you suggested it. The need for connection does not disappear with age. It just goes underground. A walk together, a film, cooking something, sitting side by side without an agenda. That quiet closeness before a big change does something for the nervous system that words cannot quite reach.

Early years and Primary

Easing back into routine

Young children live very much in the present. The summer holidays are an enormous stretch of time and school can feel like something from another life by the time the new term arrives.

Start easing back into routine a week or two before term. Bedtimes, wake up times, mealtimes. Not rigidly, just gently. Bringing bedtimes back gradually, fifteen minutes earlier every few nights, is much easier than a sudden shift the night before term starts.

A countdown calendar helps. Let your child cross off the days and add things to look forward to. It can also help to look back together at other transitions that have gone well. A picture, a video, a memory of how things felt scary and then became familiar. That gives the nervous system evidence that it has managed before.

Talking about school

Talk about school lightly and curiously rather than with reassurance that everything will be fine. I wonder what your classroom will look like lands better than you are going to love it.

If you can, show your child a picture of their new teacher before term starts. Some schools send a photograph or even a short audio message from the teacher over the summer, which makes an enormous difference. If yours does not, it is worth asking whether they can.

Preparing for the separation

Practice short separations if your child has been with you most of the summer. A simple goodbye ritual, a hug, a phrase, handing them to a known adult, and following through consistently builds trust that you will come back.

If you know your child struggles with transitions, do not wait for the first day. Visit the school more than once beforehand. Some children need several visits to begin to feel safe in a new space. Contact the SENCo and ask. Most schools are more than willing to arrange an early visit or allow an anxious child to go in a day early to get their bearings before everyone else arrives.

Going in with a friend makes an enormous difference. If you can arrange for your child to walk in alongside someone familiar, even a neighbour or an older child from the street, it reduces the anxiety significantly.

You can also play it out beforehand. Using figures, puppets, or playmobil characters to act out the drop off, the classroom, the goodbye can help younger children process what is coming in a way that feels safe and manageable.

It is also worth asking the school to set a review meeting for the first half term so you know there is a space to check in and adjust the plan if needed.

Transitional objects and worry tools

Transitional objects can make a real difference. Something small and meaningful from home that travels with them. A stone, a photograph, a small soft toy in a bag. Over the years parents I have worked with have had wonderful ideas: a picture necklace, a piece of a favourite blanket, a worry stone that takes the worries away each time it is rubbed, a surprise note tucked into a lunchbox. It is a symbolic bridge between home and school and it tells their body that love travels with them even when you cannot.

I can hold you when I am worried

You might say: let us find something special you can take with you to help you feel close to home.

Giving anxiety a name can also help. The worry wobbler. The wibble wobble. Whatever feels right to your child. When anxiety has a name it becomes something your child has, not something your child is.

A worry card is another simple tool. Make it together, decorate it, and let school know in advance. For children who find it hard to ask for help, a card they can hand to a trusted adult can be the bridge that gets them the support they need.

Can you help me?

Being brave in ordinary life

And alongside all of this, help them find small ways to be brave in everyday life. Not big challenges, just ordinary moments where they try something slightly outside their comfort zone and discover they managed. Going to the shop, caring for a pet, making a cup of tea or toast. Each one builds evidence. A child who has a growing store of times they surprised themselves has something to draw on when the bigger challenges come.

Keep outside activities to a minimum

It’s also worth being mindful of the calendar in these first few weeks. School itself is genuinely tiring, especially at the start of a new term, so try to keep after-school activities to a minimum for a little while. Too much scheduled on top of an already demanding day tends to tip into overtiredness, irritability, and meltdowns, rather than helping anyone settle in faster.

Moving to junior school

Going to a new part of the building

When children move up to junior school they often move into a new part of the building or site. Most schools arrange a transition visit at the end of the summer term which is really helpful. But a child’s emotional brain does not hold memories the way an adult brain does, and six weeks is a long time. What felt familiar in July can feel completely unknown by the start of term.

If you can walk the route to the new classroom or around the new part of school beforehand, even just once, it gives their nervous system something to recognise on the first morning.

If the layout is different, it can help to draw it out together or make a simple map. Something visual that your child can look at and hold in their mind before they arrive.

And as with any transition, going in alongside a friend, having a key adult they know, and a simple goodbye plan all make a real difference.

Holding the worry and the bigger picture

Validate the worry and also hold the bigger picture. Both things matter.

Something like: I know it feels really scary thinking about it. And I also know that once you are there and settled, it usually feels different.

Or: That worry makes complete sense. And do you remember when you felt like this before? You were so worried and then you were okay.

Parents often tell me they have countless examples of this, the thing their child dreaded that turned out to be fine, the party they did not want to go to that they did not want to leave, the first day that felt impossible that became their favourite year. Those examples are gold. Use them. Not to dismiss the worry, but to gently hold both things at once. The feeling is real and they have also managed hard things before.

It is worth knowing that talking about worry does not make it worse. Many parents hold back, worried that naming the fear will amplify it. It will not. A worry that has been spoken out loud, witnessed by someone who is not frightened by it, begins to lose its power. The fear that stays hidden tends to grow.

And remember, reassurance alone does not manage anxiety. Telling them it will be fine feels kind but it does not give the nervous system anything to hold onto. What helps is mastering the feeling, having a plan, and building coping skills together.

Neurodivergent children and school transitions

Why it can be harder

For children with ADHD, autism, or both, the start of term can feel significantly harder than it does for other children. And that difficulty is not about behaviour or attitude. It is about a nervous system that processes change, uncertainty, and sensory experience differently.

The unstructured days of the holidays, however challenging they can be, at least have a certain freedom. The return to school brings lack of control, bells, timetables, sensory demands, social complexity, and the expectation of sitting still and concentrating, often for children whose brains are not wired for any of that without significant effort.

And if your child is masking at school, holding it together all day and then falling apart at home, that is not a sign that school is fine. That is a sign that school is costing them everything they have. It is worth naming this to the school and working together on what support might help during the day.

What helps

Everything in this blog applies to neurodivergent children, and they will likely need more of it. More visits to the school beforehand. More time to adjust to the routine. More visual support, a picture schedule, a visual timetable, a clear map of the day. More patience with the first few weeks, which may be harder than you expect even if your child seemed fine over the summer.

Predictability is everything. The more your child knows what is coming, and in what order, the safer their nervous system will feel. Surprises, even positive ones, can be genuinely destabilising.

I like planners. And more importantly, so does anxiety. Checking in on a Sunday about what the week ahead looks like, or the night before for younger children, helps the nervous system settle before the day has even begun. It does not need to be elaborate. Just a quiet moment together looking at what is coming. That simple act of knowing can make an enormous difference.

Secondary school and teenagers

A significant transition

The transition to secondary school is one of the most significant a child will face. A new building, new teachers, new social landscape, and the beginning of a much more complex question: who am I, separate from my family and my primary school self?

Parents often worry more about this transition than any other, and with good reason. It is genuinely big. The social world becomes more complex, the academic expectations shift, and your child is navigating all of this at the same time their brain and body is going through significant change.

How to help

Teenagers rarely want to talk about it directly. Side by side conversations work better than face to face ones. A walk, a car journey, something to do with your hands. Wondering out loud rather than asking directly.

I imagine it feels quite different going into year seven.
Secondary is a big change. What do you think?

Their friends matter more than almost anything at this age. If you can help them go in with someone familiar, or identify one person they already know, it reduces the anxiety significantly. The older the child the more their peers will influence how they feel, and going in alongside someone can make all the difference.

If this is tricky, help them identify a key adult at school before the term starts. Someone they can go to if things feel too much. For some teenagers, just knowing that person exists is enough.

Friendships over the summer

For some teenagers the summer break is not the social time it might appear from the outside. Some will go weeks without seeing anyone from school, particularly those with social anxiety, neurodivergent young people who find unstructured social time harder, or those who struggled with friendships during the year.

By the time term starts, the gap can feel enormous. The group has moved on, in jokes have formed, and your teenager is stepping back in feeling like they missed something they cannot quite name.

If you have a teenager who has been isolated over the summer, it is worth gently encouraging one low pressure meet up before term starts if you can. Not a big group, just one person they feel safe with. Even a short walk or an hour together can ease the reentry significantly.

And if that is not possible, name it. I know you have not seen much of people this summer. That might make going back feel a bit harder. Let us think about how to make the first few days a bit easier.

The return to school is always harder when it has been quiet, maybe a lonely summer. Knowing that you see it, and that it makes sense, is often the most useful thing you can offer.

Sleep and the teenage brain

The teenage brain is also going through significant change which can mean emotions feel bigger and harder to manage, and that anxiety surfaces more easily, particularly at night when the day goes quiet. If sleep is disrupted around the start of term, my free guide When Darkness Comes has specific support for teenagers and sleep.

If your teenager is really struggling, school avoidance, panic, significant withdrawal, do not wait. Early support is always more effective than waiting to see if it passes.

For all ages: when they come home

Once term starts, expect your child to be tired. Genuinely, deeply tired, especially in the first few weeks.

I remember that feeling myself. Starting school, then later juggling work and for us a lot of sport. There was a quiet dread about it and also, if I am honest, a relief when the structure came back. What about you? Do you remember that mix?

The emotional and sensory demands of being back in school are enormous, even for children who seem absolutely fine on the surface. What looks like grumpiness or big feelings after school is often just a nervous system that has been working very hard all day and has finally reached home safely enough to let go.

Give children time to decompress

Give them time to decompress before you ask about their day. A snack, some quiet, a bit of space. The conversation will come more easily once they have had a chance to settle. When you do ask, open questions tend to land better than a barrage of direct ones, try “tell me three things you enjoyed today,” alongside “tell me three things that felt harder.” That gives your child room to share without feeling interrogated, and it works whether they had a wonderful day or a genuinely difficult one.

And some children simply do not want to talk about school. I know this perplexes some parents, and it can feel worrying or even a little excluding. But it is very common. School is its own world, separate from home and from you, and sometimes children do not want those two worlds to meet. That is not a problem. It is actually a healthy sign that they have their own inner life and their own space. The best thing you can do is stay close, stay curious, and trust that they will come to you when they are ready.

And if the evenings feel hard, if you are on the receiving end of the grumpy and the shouty-louty and you are not sure how to stay steady, my free guide Holding in the Storm was written for exactly those moments.

University and leaving home

This transition is one that parents are often least prepared for, and one where support is hardest to find.

Your child is leaving. That is enormous for them and for you. And unlike the school transitions, this one does not come with a class teacher to hand them to or a school gate to collect them from.

What helps is the same thing that has always helped. Connection before the leaving. Honest conversations about what it might feel like. And a clear message that they can come back, ring, struggle, and still be held by you even from a distance.

Many students find the first few weeks harder than they expected. The freedom feels good and the loneliness can feel sudden. Letting them know that is normal, that most people feel it, and that it passes, can be more useful than reassurance that they will love it.

If your child is struggling with the transition to university, Student Minds and Student Space offer free and funded support specifically for students. Worth bookmarking before they go.

You matter in this too

Transitions affect parents as much as children. I worried more about some than others and university was a big one. Sometimes we grieve for the younger child we knew more. Your own feelings, anxiety and all about how your child will cope is real and worth acknowledging.

You might notice yourself feeling heavier, more tearful, snappier than usual. You might want to keep your child close. You might find yourself lying awake worrying about whether they will manage, whether the teacher will understand them, whether they will find their people.

Some of this is love doing what love does. But some of it may also be stirring something older. If you grew up finding transitions hard yourself, those old feelings can surface unexpectedly when your child faces something similar. That is not weakness. It is just how the nervous system works.

It helps to notice what is yours and what belongs to your child. Not to dismiss your feelings but to hold them separately so they do not spill into how you talk to your child about school or university. As Kahlil Gibran wrote in The Prophet, our children come through us but do not belong to us. They are their own people, with their own path. Sometimes you have to balance the anxiety with trust that they will find their way through it. And so will you.

When to seek support

Some anxiety around transitions is completely normal, particularly in the first few weeks. But if you notice ongoing school avoidance, physical symptoms with no medical cause, significant regression, intense mood changes, or withdrawal that is not easing, it is worth talking to someone.

Your GP, the school SENCo, or a therapist can all help. The earlier you seek support the more effective it will be.

Interested in working with me?

If you would like more tailored support for your child or family, I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, therapeutic parenting support for parents, and training and consultation for professionals working with children and families. Please do get in touch if you would like to find out more.

You can reach me via my contact page.

Free resources

Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when anxiety and big feelings take over.

Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.

When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.

All free to download.