Vagal tone is something every family can strengthen, and it makes a huge difference when big feelings show up. It is the body’s natural calming system, the part that steadies a child’s heart rate, dials down stress chemicals, and helps emotions pass instead of bubbling over.
As parents, we all know how quickly those moments arrive. A spelling test looming, the supermarket queue stretching on, or homework that just will not end. That is where vagal tone comes in. With a little practice, it can give your child and you a reliable reset.
The seven simple exercises I am sharing here are ones I use with families in my clinical practice. They take only five minutes but they provide a powerful safety anchor, so emotions do not explode or get bottled up.
May they help you and your family.
Understanding the Nervous System
The nervous system has two main parts. The sympathetic nervous system activates the fight or flight response when we perceive danger. The parasympathetic nervous system does the opposite, activating the rest and digest state and calming the body and mind.
A helpful way to remember them: Sympathetic as Stress, Parasympathetic as Peace.
At the heart of the parasympathetic system is the vagus nerve, a long wandering nerve that connects the brain to the heart, lungs, and digestive system. When the vagus nerve is stimulated it sends a powerful signal to the body: you are safe, you can relax. It can slow the heart rate, lower blood pressure, reduce anxiety, and improve emotional regulation.
By learning to activate the vagus nerve through simple techniques, we can teach our bodies, and our children’s bodies, how to move from chaos back into resting state.
Identifying Triggers and Preparing in Advance
Often we know what situations tend to trigger anxiety, anger, or overwhelm. By using calming exercises before entering these situations, or as soon as you sense the build-up, you can help your parasympathetic system stay engaged.
Proactive regulation is key. It is much easier to stay calm if you prepare the body ahead of time rather than trying to manage a meltdown after it has started.
Helping Your Child Accept Calming Techniques
Sometimes parents tell me their child does not want to try or gets more upset when they suggest something. This is completely normal and it does not mean the tools will not work.
Keep language simple in the moment. This helps your body feel safe is enough. Save explanations for calmer times. Practice the exercises when things are settled, during stories, at bedtime, or just relaxing together, so they feel familiar before they are ever needed.
Model it yourself. Children learn most powerfully by watching. When you use these techniques in your own moments of stress, your child will gradually begin to copy you.
Invite rather than instruct. Want to blow some dragon breaths with me is far more likely to work than a command. Give them a choice and do it together.
And always remember these tools are not about stopping emotions. They are about helping the body stay steady enough to feel them safely.
Quick Tip: Don’t Give Up:
Regulation is a skill like learning to walk. It takes lots of gentle practise and lots of love.
Here are simple, science-backed techniques to help shift the nervous system from panic back to peace: All of these methods I have used in my practice. Some children are going to prefer some rather than others. You can experiment!
7 Vagus Nerve Soothe Mini Template ( the longer version is below)
| # | Tool | Why it works (science snippet) | 30‑sec demo | Child‑friendly script |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Dragon Breaths (slow belly breathing) | Slow exhale stretches the diaphragm, mechanically nudging the vagus nerve. | Sit belly‑to‑belly with your child, place a soft toy on their tummy. Inhale through the nose, 4 counts. Long “woooooosh” out through pursed lips, 6 counts. | “Let’s blow fire like a slow dragon — see if you can keep the flame steady.” |
| 2 | Intense Exercise (5‑10 min sprint, dance, star‑jumps) | Raises dopamine & serotonin, then a post‑exercise parasympathetic rebound kicks in. | Race up the stairs, dance to one song, or do 20 jumping jacks. When breathing settles, notice the calmer buzz. | “Let’s shake it out with a 60‑second dance‑off!” |
| 3 | Humming or Bee Buzz | Vocal‑cord vibration stimulates the vagus nerve; studies show lower stress scores after 5 min of humming. PMC | Hum “mmmm” while covering ears to feel the vibration. Try 5 slow breaths with hum‑exhales. | “Can you hum so low the floor tickles?” |
| 4 | Rhythmic Movement (rocking, swinging, drumming) | Steady rhythm regulates the brainstem — the safety gatekeeper. | Sit in a rocking chair or swing for 2 minutes; tap knees left‑right‑left like a metronome. | “Let’s pretend we’re ocean waves — forward… back…” |
| 5 | Bilateral Tapping • Butterfly Hug (younger kids) • Shoulder Taps (tweens/teens) | Alternating left‑right taps calm the amygdala; EMDR research finds reduced anxiety in children. PMC | Arms crossed over chest, tap shoulders R‑L‑R‑L ~1 tap/sec for 30 sec while breathing slowly. | “Feel your brave wings flap — tap, tap, tap.” |
| 6 | Cold‑Splash Reset | Face/neck cold triggers the mammalian diving reflex, slowing heart rate within second | Press a gel ice‑pack to cheeks/neck & forehead for 15 sec or splash cool water on face and fingers | “Polar‑bear nose! Chill touch means ‘safety shields ON’.” |
| 7 | Self‑Soothing Touch (hand massage, self‑hug) | Gentle touch releases oxytocin, lowering cortisol and blood pressure. | Slowly knead each palm with the thumb of the opposite hand; hold a “big bear” self‑hug for three breaths. | “Give your hands a squeeze — thumb walks down each finger.” |
1. Breathing
The importance of teaching your children how to breathe
Often, children grow up without knowing how to deal with strong and intense emotions. You can teach your children how to breathe through strong feelings from a young age, so they will learn that they will pass. Do it with them, and do not be afraid to hold their hand; it will also benefit you. Connecting our mind with our body brings us peace and makes us feel at home in our hearts.
Then the set the scene paragraph, the hand on belly cue, and the 4-2-4 table follow.
Set the scene by telling your child: let us pretend there is a soft balloon in your tummy. When you breathe in we will fill it up. When you breathe out we will let all the air float away.
| Step | Count | What to say / do |
|---|---|---|
| Inhale | 1-2-3-4 | “Fill the balloon… feel it rise.” |
| Hold (gently) | 1-2 | “Keep it big and round.” |
| Exhale | 1-2-3-4 | “Let the balloon shrink all the way.” |
Repeat for 8–10 cycles (about a minute). The slightly longer, controlled exhale is what gives the vagus nerve its “massage,” promoting calm and heart-rate variability.
2. Intense Exercise to Calm the Brain
Physical activity that raises the heart rate, jogging, dancing, star jumps, or even pacing, releases dopamine, serotonin, and noradrenaline, all of which regulate mood. It quickly relieves physical tension, reduces overwhelm, and resets emotional balance. Even five to ten minutes makes a real difference.
3. Humming or Making a Voo Sound
When you make a voo sound or humming, you are actually stimulating your vagus nerve, which plays a major role in calming your body and mind.
- Vagus nerve activation. The vagus nerve is part of your parasympathetic nervous system. Gentle vocal vibrations activate this nerve, slowing your heart rate, reducing blood pressure, and calming stress responses.
- Resonance and vibration. Making a deep voo sound or humming causes vibrations in your chest, throat, and head. These vibrations signal safety to your nervous system.
- Breath control. Humming naturally slows down your exhalation, which is linked to calming the nervous system.
- Focus and mindfulness. When you hum you focus on the sound and sensation, pulling you away from racing thoughts and into your body.
Rhythmic Movement
Activities like drumming, tapping, rocking, or swinging help regulate the brainstem, the survival part of the brain responsible for basic safety responses.
Just like rocking soothes a baby, rhythmic movement calms the nervous system at any age.
Simple rhythmic movements include:
- Rocking in a chair
- Rocking in a hammock
- Swinging at the playground
- Gentle tapping on the knees or chest to a steady rhythm
5.Tapping Techniques for Different Ages
Butterfly Tapping for Younger Children
Ask your child to cross their arms over their chest, placing hands on their opposite shoulders as if giving themselves a hug. Then gently tap one hand then the other, back and forth like butterfly wings. Guide them by doing it on yourself so they can copy. Combine with slow breathing or simple words. You are safe. We can find calm together.
This engages both sides of the brain, supports grounding, and feels comforting, almost like a hug from the inside.
Tapping for Anxiety Relief (for Older Children and Teens)
Sit beside your child and gently place your hands on their shoulders, alternating left and right at a steady, comfortable pace. Or show them how to do it themselves. Encourage slow breathing alongside the tapping. You said you would come back and you did. I am here. We will get through this together.
Over time, older children can use this independently, including during nighttime waking. It is simple, non-invasive, and can be used anywhere.
Steps for Parents:
- Position Your Hands – Sit beside or in front of your child. Gently place your hands on their shoulders or upper arms, or show them how to do it themselves.
- Start Tapping – Tap lightly and rhythmically, alternating from one shoulder to the other at a steady, comforting pace — like a heartbeat.
- Encourage Calm Breathing – Invite your child to take slow, deep breaths while you tap. You can softly say phrases like, “You are safe,” or “We’ll get through this together.”
- Let Them Try – Over time, encourage your child to try tapping their own shoulders. This can be especially helpful for older children managing anxiety independently, or during nighttime waking.
Tapping is simple, non-invasive, and can be practised anywhere — giving children a practical tool for emotional self-regulation.
6. Use Ice to Reset Your Nervous System
Cold exposure is a powerful and immediate way to activate the vagus nerve. When we expose the face, neck, or hands to cold it triggers what is called the mammalian dive reflex, engaging the parasympathetic nervous system and bringing calm quickly.
You do not need a cold shower or ice bath. Simple things work just as well:
Holding an ice pack or bag of frozen peas against your cheeks or neck. Splashing cold water on your face. Running hands under cold water. Sipping ice cold water. Placing a cool damp cloth on the back of your neck.
Cold shifts focus from spiralling thoughts into immediate body sensations, creating a reset in the emotional brain and slowing everything down.
Cold exposure is a powerful and immediate way to activate the vagus nerve and calm the nervous system.
When we expose our body — especially the face, neck, or hands — to cold, it triggers a biological response called the diving reflex (also called the mammalian dive reflex).
Engages the parasympathetic nervous system through direct stimulation of the vagus nerve.This reflex evolved to help mammals survive in cold water, but in everyday life, we can use it intentionally to regulate intense emotions or panic given most of us don’t want to sit in an ice bath or have a cold shower.
7. Self soothing touch
Touch sends a powerful signal of safety to the brain. Gentle, rhythmic touch — whether from yourself or a trusted other — helps the body relax and regulates the nervous system.
When you engage in calming touch, like massaging your palm or giving yourself a hug, the body releases oxytocin — often called the “connection hormone” or “cuddle chemical.”
Oxytocin helps by:
- Reducing levels of the stress hormone cortisol
- Slowing heart rate and lowering blood pressure
- Creating a deeper sense of emotional safety and trust
- Strengthening feelings of calm, connection, and comfort
Ideas for self-soothing touch:
- Gently massaging your hand from the palm to each finger slowly
- Stroking your arms or legs with light, steady pressure
- Giving yourself a big, slow, tight hug
- Holding your own face gently with both hands
- Brushing your arms or legs with a soft fabric or scarf
When you or your child use soothing touch, you’re not only calming the nervous system — you’re actively shifting the body’s chemistry toward connection and peace.
Tip:
Parents can model this by rubbing their own hands together slowly, giving themselves a hug, or even using soothing touch with their child (if the child is comfortable) to deepen the sense of safety. A hand massage was my suggestion to a mother whose teenager who was suffering from panic and separation anxiety at night. It was a beautiful way for them to reconnect and calm during that trigger moment.
Interested in working with me?
If emotional dysregulation, anxiety, or big feelings are significantly affecting your child or your family, please do get in touch. I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, consultations and therapeutic support for parents, sleep consultations, and training and workshops for schools and organisations.
You can reach me via my contact page.
Free resources
These exercises work alongside my free guides which go deeper into the nervous system, big feelings, and what helps at home.
Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s brain when big feelings take over and why these calming exercises work.
Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.
When Darkness Comes includes vagal toning exercises specifically for sleep and nighttime anxiety.
All free to download.
Related reading
Is Your Child Emotionally Dysregulated? for understanding what drives big feelings and dysregulation.
Your Child’s Developing Brain: What Every Parent Needs to Know for the neuroscience behind why these exercises work.
Meltdowns, Anger, and Tantrums: Understanding Your Child’s Emotional Storms for what to do in the hard moments.
Why Won’t My Child Sleep? Understanding Insomnia and What Actually Helps for how vagal toning supports sleep.
Create a Self Soothe Box for a practical calming toolkit for your child.
Anxiety in Children: What to Look For and How to Help for understanding anxiety and what helps.
And if you would like occasional guidance and support straight to your inbox, you are very welcome to join my newsletter.
With warmth,
Catherine
