5 Strategies to Teach Your Child Self-Control

Self-control, in a nutshell, is your child’s ability to regulate themselves. A few everyday examples: waiting patiently in a queue, tolerating frustration, holding back an impulse, or planning ahead rather than acting on the spot.

This capacity can depend heavily on your child’s developmental stage, not just their character. You might notice your toddler struggles with all of the above, and that’s genuinely normal, big changes happen between ages three and seven. If your four-year-old is still finding this hard, you can breathe a little easier, every child’s brain develops at a different pace, and our expectations are sometimes simply too high for where they actually are.

I see plenty of children in my clinic who struggle with self-control specifically, and research shows these children are often more prone to aggression, and at higher risk of anxiety and depression later on. That’s exactly why it’s worth building this skill deliberately, rather than assuming it’ll simply arrive on its own.

Five strategies that genuinely help self-control

1. Build in real breaks

When we’re given two demanding tasks back to back, our performance on the second one tends to suffer. Give your child one job at a time, let them have a proper break, then ask for the next.

2. Teach self-talk

Help your child understand feelings, and give them actual language for managing them. A child who can talk themselves through a feeling is far more likely to stay in control of it. Try phrases like: “okay, I need to take it easy,” “I’ll try and stay cool,” “it’s okay if I’m not good at this,” “I can try again tomorrow,” “I’m doing my best,” or “I’m not going to let this bother me.”

3. Reward self-control when you see it

Praise feels genuinely good, and children need consistent feedback to learn what “good” looks like in practice. If your child manages their feelings well, or steps back from a fight with a sibling, praise it immediately, that moment matters more than a delayed comment later.

4. Aim for authoritative, not permissive or strict

Research from Gwen Dewar at Parenting Science, drawing on a 2013 study of American preschoolers, found children were more likely to show poor self-control when parents agreed with statements like “I ignore my child’s bad behaviour” or “I give in when my child causes a commotion.” Interestingly, being overly strict had a similar negative effect. Balanced, consistent parenting genuinely works best here, I write more about exactly this in Authoritative Parenting: The Most Effective Parenting Style

5. Use play to rehearse.

If you know a particular situation is hard for your child, practise it through play first. Set up a pretend queue and take turns waiting your turn. Act out getting dressed together, slowly, talking through each step. Play at running a little shop, taking it in turns to be the customer who has to wait. This is genuinely more fun for everyone than a direct lecture, and children absorb far more through play than through being told what to do.

A note on sleep and self-control

It’s genuinely hard to expect self-control from a child who isn’t sleeping well. A tired nervous system has far less capacity for patience, frustration tolerance, or holding back an impulse, everything on this list becomes harder when sleep is poor. If sleep is a struggle in your house, it’s worth addressing that alongside anything else, my blog Why Won’t My Child Sleep? Understanding Insomnia and What Actually Helps is a good place to start.

Interested in working with me?

If you would like more tailored support for your child or family, I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, therapeutic parenting support for parents, and training and consultation for professionals working with children and families. Please do get in touch if you would like to find out more.

You can reach me via my contact page.

Free resources

Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.

Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.

When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.

All free to download.