Five ways to  Challenge your Thoughts and Discover Calm

All parents get upset, angry and anxious when dealing with their children. It would be very odd if you did not. Today I will focus on how to challenge your upsetting thoughts and discover some inner calm.

Research shows a relationship between how we think about a situation, how we feel about it, and what we do about it. This is the framework for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy ( CBT).

Here are five easy ways to challenge your thinking and find some calm.
1. Notice the negative thoughts and become aware of them. Either keep a diary, or you can download my free worksheet below. So think about a current situation and write it down. Discuss and complete with a friend/partner or even your child. When we share, we often feel supported.

Find your inner calm, challenge your thoughts worksheet

2. You may be aware of your thoughts, so try to accept their ideas.

We can’t eliminate our thoughts, so be compassionate with ourselves; it’s normal to experience negative Thinking. We all do. According to Paul Stellard, A CBT guru, we have certain thinking styles, such as:

  • Catastrophic Thinking, thinking the worst will happen
  • All or nothing, seeing everything in black-or-white terms
  • Being a mind reader, assuming you can mind read and tell yourself what your children are thinking and doing. Not checking out what they believe or what their explanation may be.

Examples of Negative Thoughts. Cognitive Distortions.

Do you find yourself using language such as never, should, always….do you hear yourself saying:

  • He is going to amount to nothing.
  • He is so lazy.
  • She is too powerful and too big,
  • He will end up depressed
  • Can’t I stand this?

In one way, the future does not exist, so staying within the present moment is essential. We can only do that by either changing our attitude or managing the thoughts that arise. Remember, you are not your thoughts.

Try to respond with the following:

  • I am not going to think this right now
  • All children misbehave at some point
  • Maybe ….is tired or hungry

3. Give yourself time out from the situation

I am angry right now and need to calm down before I deal with this.
I will return to you when I have thought about it for a bit. It’s good to have a maximum time out time say 30 mins.
Choose a location and tell them beforehand what you will do and where you will go. Who said time out was just for children? Talk about it in family meetings, and then everyone knows what is happening; this prevents any big feelings from escalating during the moment.

4. Write down lots of calming thoughts/positive affirmations;

You can practice on my worksheet; here are several ideas to get you going:
I can control my anger.
I am calm and centred.
I can create the parenting relationship I want to
There is no such thing as a perfect parent 
This is frustrating, but I can cope
This is today, but tomorrow is a new day
Things will get better
I am not my thoughts
I am a good parent
I am proud I am making changes
It’s getting better every day

5. Allow yourself to receive, and ask for support from your partner/friends or family.

Ask for the time to be alone or go out away from the family. Meditate, exercise, and read a book. Asking for separate time can be very hard in relationships, but it is essential to have time away from work and the family. It is okay to want to nourish yourself. The better you take care of yourself, the more you will be able to manage the children.
I hope this helps, be the parent you want to be and help everyone feel safe, loved, and secure. Do share the support on Facebook and more. With love Catherine
References: The Incredible Years, Carolyn Webster Stratton http://www.incredibleyears.com/
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