Self-esteem comes up in my clinic constantly. Some days it is easy to see when a child feels good about themselves, and other days it is much harder to read. Self-esteem is, at its heart, the feelings and beliefs a child holds about themselves, and their sense of what they are capable of. It is shaped not only by their own perceptions, but by you, their teachers, and the wider world around them. Here are twelve simple, practical ways you can help build it, starting today.
What the research actually shows
Before the list itself, it’s worth knowing what the evidence points to, because some of it runs against instinct. Children develop stronger self-esteem when they experience unconditional positive regard, being accepted for who they are, not for what they achieve This does not mean permissiveness. Unconditional acceptance and clear boundaries sit comfortably together, and are not opposites.
Praise itself is more complicated than it first appears. Praise aimed at a child’s character, “you’re so clever,” rather than their effort, can actually backfire for children who already have lower self-esteem specific, descriptive praise supports a child’s self-esteem and sense of competence far more reliably than vague or inflated praise does The difference between “you’re brilliant” and “you worked really hard on that and it shows” is not just semantics. It changes what a child comes to believe about where their worth actually comes from.
Twelve ways to help
1. Help them feel safe and secure
Every child needs to feel valued, and to know, at a deep level, that things will be alright. This underlying sense of safety is the foundation everything else is built on.
2. Respect and accept their feelings
Feelings are part of who your child is, not something to argue them out of. Give them room to talk about what they feel without being told off or shut down for it.
3. Really listen
Put down what you are doing, make eye contact, and take what they say seriously, even when it seems small to you. Being genuinely heard is one of the clearest messages of worth a child can receive.
4. Avoid comparisons
Comparing your child to siblings or friends undermines the sense that they are valued for who they specifically are, rather than how they measure up against someone else. Each child’s path looks different, and that is not a problem to be fixed.
5. Let them make choices
Age-appropriate decisions, what to wear, which chore to do first, give your child a genuine stake in their own life. That sense of agency builds real confidence over time.
6. Allow mistakes, and normalise them
Nobody gets everything right, including you. Let your child see you make mistakes and recover from them with grace, this teaches them that imperfection is simply part of being human, not a threat to their worth.
7. Build trust
A child needs to feel safe with you before they can feel confident in themselves. Consistency and follow-through, doing what you say you will do, matters enormously here.
8. Praise specifically, and praise the effort
Notice how they approached something, not just what they achieved. “You kept going even when that got hard” says more than “well done,” and lands more meaningfully too.
9. Let them be entirely themselves
Resist measuring your child against a sibling or a friend’s child. Their particular mix of strengths, quirks, and interests is exactly what makes them them.
10. Tell them specifically what you like about them
Not just that they are wonderful in general, but something real and observed, “I love how patient you were with your little brother earlier.”
11. Give them responsibility
Age-appropriate tasks, feeding a pet, laying the table, tell a child you trust them with something real. Competence, built through genuine responsibility, feeds self-esteem directly.
12. Respect their right to know what is happening in their world
Do not keep secrets from your child. Share what they need to know honestly and simply, in a way they can understand for their age. Feeling informed, rather than shut out, is its own form of respect.
Interested in working with me?
If you would like more tailored support for your child or family, I offer one to one therapy for children and young people, therapeutic parenting support for parents, and training and consultation for professionals working with children and families. Please do get in touch if you would like to find out more.
You can reach me via my contact page.
Free resources
Understanding Your Child’s Guard Dog Brain explains what is happening in your child’s nervous system when big feelings take over.
Holding in the Storm is about staying steady as a parent in the hard moments.
When Darkness Comes includes specific support for sleep difficulties and anxiety at night.
All free to download.
Related reading
Praise and Encourage for Change: Top Tips on Using Praise Effectively
Externalising: It’s the Behaviour, Not Your Child
Is Your Child Emotionally Dysregulated?
And if you would like occasional guidance and support straight to your inbox, you are very welcome to join my newsletter.
With Warmth
Catherine
References
Baldwin, M.W. and Sinclair, L. (1996) Self-esteem and “if… then” contingencies of interpersonal acceptance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(6), pp.1130-1141.
Robichaud, J.M. et al. (2022) The role of descriptive and non-specific outcome-oriented praise in predicting child self-esteem. Motivation and Emotion.
Brummelman, E. et al. Unconditional acceptance and children’s coping with setbacks: research summarised via Reuters Health.
